copyright © 2004 Mike Rothschild

"Movie Review"

With Mike and Jeff.

LIGHTS UP. Mike and Jeff in chairs.

Jeff

So I saw that "13 Going on 30" movie the other day.

MIKE

So what confused you this time?

JEFF

Confused? I've never been confused by a movie! That's outrageous. (THEN) Which movie?

MIKE

Well, you were upset because there were no monsters in "Monster", you thought Starsky and Hutch were lesbians, that "The Alamo" was about David Bowie, Hitler was a fictional character invented specifically for "Hellboy" and you wanted to kill Jews after seeing "The Passion of the Christ".

JEFF

Excuse me if my opinions are too controversial for you.

MIKE

"Controversial" wasn't the word I was going for, but OK.

JEFF

Anyway, the movie was OK. I did think there'd be more action in it. But Jennifer Garner looks great in a wedding dress.

MIKE

She gets married at the end?

JEFF

She's supposed to. But it doesn't turn out exactly as planned. Her ex-boyfriend shows up at the wedding.

MIKE

(DISINTERESTED) Huh.

JEFF

And he kills everyone.

MIKE

He...what?

JEFF

Yeah, he's all pissed that Jennifer Garner is marrying some other guy, so he shoots like a dozen people.

MIKE

In "13 Going on 30"? A PG rated romantic comedy has a mass murder at the end?

JEFF

Actually, it's at the beginning.

Pause.

MIKE

You saw "Kill Bill, Volume 2".

JEFF

No, I'm pretty sure it was "13 Going on 30". A woman wakes up after a long time and realizes her life is totally different from what she expected.

MIKE

That does sound like "13 Going On 30"...

JEFF

So she goes undercover to stop the evil magazine publisher she works for and discovers her true self along the way.

MIKE

Jennifer Garner was not undercover in "13 Going On 30".

JEFF

Then why was she surgically altered to look like Uma Thurman?

MIKE

Why would Jennifer Garner surgically alter herself to look like Uma Thurman?

JEFF

(DUH) Because if she looked like Jennifer Garner, she'd be recognized.

MIKE

You're supposed to recognize her!

JEFF

And reveal her secret identity on "Alias"? I don't think so.

MIKE

Jennifer Garner is not an actual undercover agent. She plays one on TV. She's just an actress.

JEFF

Sure. "Plays one on TV". "Actress". Everyone knows "Alias" is a reality show designed by the CIA for recruiting new agents.

MIKE

Last week you said "24" was a reality show.

JEFF

It is. Whatever they do to recruit new members must work, because everyone in counterterrorism is really hot.

MIKE

Just because our government is shadowy doesn't mean everything involving shadowy government agencies is a reality show

JEFF

No, just "24" and "Alias".

MIKE

OK, so let's say, for the moment, that "Alias" is a reality show and Jennifer Garner is really an FBI agent.

JEFF

SD-6.

MIKE

Whatever! She still doesn't do anything in "13 Going On 30" that an FBI agent would do.

JEFF

You don't think someone trained in sword fighting, motorcycle death racing and kung fu could be an undercover agent? Now who's being naive?

MIKE

None of those things were in "13 Going On 30"! It had no sword fights, no motorcycle death races and no kung fu.

JEFF

I don't think so. The version I saw had a lot of kung fu.

MIKE

Because the version you saw was"Kill Bill" and it was a totally different movie.

JEFF

Why would there be two versions of the same movie with different titles?

MIKE

There's only one version of "13 Going on 30", and it has no kung fu!

JEFF

Then what's the point of a movie about a government agent if there's no kung fu?

MIKE

She's not a government agent. And she's not surgically altered to look like Uma Thurman. Uma Thurman and Jennifer Garner are different people. Just because they play characters that know kung fu doesn't mean one was altered to look like the other to protect the first one's secret identity.

JEFF

Oh. I understand. Actresses can be different people. They're probably not undercover agents, even if they play them on TV.

MIKE

Exactly. I think we've learned a valuable lesson today.

JEFF

...but now that I think about it, anyone could be a surgically altered undercover agent. You could actually be Jennifer Garner altered to look like Mike Rothschild.

MIKE

I don't think so.

JEFF

But how do we know for sure? Unless...

Jeff stands up and takes a kung fu pose.

MIKE

What are you doing?

JEFF

Testing you. If you're really Jennifer Garner, you won't use deadly kung fu on an innocent person.

Mike gets up, stares at Jeff and leaves.

JEFF

Where are you going? You're a disgrace to SD-6! (THEN) Jennifer, wait! Do you want to have a drink sometime?

He chases after "her". BLACKOUT.

THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR



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