- December 16, 2005 - No Shame's SECOND Frickin' Holiday Special Spectacular...on Ice! (Los Angeles)
Performed by Jeff Goode & Mike Rothschild.
"Movie Reviews with Jeff and Mike"
By Mike Rothschild
LIGHTS UP on Mike and Jeff.
JEFF
So guess what I got?
MIKE
The clap?
JEFF
Even better. I got a DVD copy of the pilot for the new Star
Wars Network.
MIKE
The what?
JEFF
The all Star Wars TV Network. Now that George Lucas has
finally finished the sixtology he's going to explore his last
unconquered medium: television.
MIKE
A whole network devoted to nothing but Star Wars? What, are
they gonna show the movies all day? I don't understand.
JEFF
No, it's all different kinds of shows set in the Star Wars
universe, playing all day long. All Star Wars, all the time.
MIKE
24 hours of original programming? How is that even possible?
JEFF
You obviously haven't seen the DVD of the pilot.
MIKE
Since this is the first I've heard of it, obviously not.
JEFF
The first show I saw is a day in the life of a Wookie family.
It's them cooking and cleaning and doing domestic Wookie
stuff. And it's all in Shyriiwook!
MIKE
Uh, what?
JEFF
Wookie language, duh.
MIKE
So it's just Wookies doing dishes, and it's not in English.
JEFF
And there's no subtitles.
MIKE
I can't imagine how that won't be a hit.
JEFF
In the first episode, there was a guest appearance by this
android who has four arms and makes Bantha rump roast. I bet
Martha Stewart can't make Bantha rump roast.
MIKE
Since Banthas aren't real, I'm guessing she can't...
JEFF
Then there was a performing arts program that had all these
holographic dancers jumping around and waving ribbons. I
think it was called "Soul Train Kashyyyk."
MIKE
Right.
JEFF
I think the best was an animated series featuring Boba Fett,
which was weird because I thought he fell into the Sarlac
pit, but it could have been one of the other clones that just
looked like him and had the same voice.
MIKE
But how could it be Boba Fett if he was younger than the
other clones...no, wait, I don't care.
JEFF
Oh, and there's all these music videos. It's so refreshing to
see music videos back on TV again!
MIKE
Star Wars music videos?
JEFF
Oh yeah. Jefferson Starship, Diahann Carroll, Bea Arthur...
MIKE
Bea Arthur??? In a music video? On a Star Wars channel?
JEFF
Plus there was a documentary about Wookie holidays. Did you
know on Kashyyyk, they have a holiday called Life Day? And
you burn candles and wear red robes and exchange gifts. I
wish we had something like that on Earth.
MIKE
We do! It's called "Christmas!"
JEFF
What are you talking about?
MIKE
You bought a bootleg copy of the Star Wars Holiday Special.
JEFF
Star Wars Holiday Special? There's no such thing.
MIKE
Then how come Christmas and Life Day have the exact same
customs?
JEFF
Oh I get it. You're one of those anti-Life Day liberals. You
want to take Life Day away from us!
MIKE
Life Day doesn't exist.
JEFF
Then why did Han Solo take Chewie back to Kashyyyk to
celebrate it?
MIKE
He didn't! Han Solo doesn't exist! Chewie doesn't exist!
Kashyyyk doesn't exist!
JEFF
Now you're just talking crazy.
MIKE
Look, Lucas just made up Life Day as a way to cash in on Star
Wars being so popular at Christmas. He wrote a script for a
Christmas themed special where Chewbacca would go to Kashyyyk
to celebrate Life Day with his parents.
JEFF
Then why did it have cooking shows and music videos?
MIKE
Lucas had to leave the show to start working on Empire, so
his script got hacked up and turned in a holiday themed
variety show with cartoons and bands.
JEFF
So you HAVE seen it!
MIKE
I've seen the Holiday Special. It's awful. It's the most
godawful thing I've ever seen, and I've seen Cinderella Man.
JEFF
I won't sit here and listen to you defame George Lucas.
MIKE
Lucas hates it. He said if he could, he'd track down every
copy of it and smash them with a hammer.
JEFF
I don't know what you're talking about.
MIKE
You watched it. Didn't it suck? Wasn't it boring and stupid
and lame and badly written and badly acted and BORING?
JEFF
(thinks about it)
Well...some of it was kind of dull. But the ending was
awesome! Luke Skywalker flew into the Death Star and blew it
up, just like in Star Wars!
MIKE
It was Star Wars! The last ten minutes of the Holiday Special
is just a montage of scenes from Star Wars!
JEFF
I wasn't paying attention by then. I was too busy wrapping
gifts for Life Day. You wanted the Cinderella Man DVD, right?
MIKE
No. How did you even get a copy of the Holiday Special? It
was never officially released.
JEFF
I bought it on craigslist.
MIKE
You didn't pay a lot for it, did you?
JEFF
Is 180 dollars a lot?
Mike shakes his head in disdain.
JEFF
Happy Life Day!
MIKE
Shut up.
BLACKOUT
THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
Performed by Jeff Goode & Mike Rothschild.
Library]
