copyright © 2000 Paul Rust

"Uncle Petey’s Goodtime Jolly Hour" (a monologue) written by Paul Rust

Good morning kids! It’s your old friend, Uncle Petey and welcome to another episode of Uncle Petey’s Goodtime Jolly Hour. We got a lot of fun stuff in store for you this morning, so make sure you don’t miss one second!

What kind of fun stuff you wonder? Well, how does having a magical passport inside a real-life post office sound? That’s right! You’ll get to see how your thank you letter goes from your mailbox to grandma’s house! We’re also going to get a special visit from one of our bestest friends… Barbara Jenson of the Minneapolis Zoo! And last, but certainly not least, we’re going to find out what lucky boy or girl gets to win a new ten-speed Huffy bike compliments of Safeway Food Stores.

But, first as always, would you please give a super-duper welcome to our friend, Mayor Stitches!

Uncle Petey takes off shoe and sock, puts sock on hand, and interacts with it for the rest of the sketch. It's like ventriloquism except there's no attempt to be good at it.

Uncle Petey: Hey, Mayor Stitches, how are you this morning?

Mr. Stitches: I’m a little upset.

UP: What? Why on Earth are you upset, Mayor Stitches?

MS: We got a problem in Jollyville.

UP: Problem? Oh, no! What problem?

MS: It’s an insect problem. There are bugs everywhere!

UP: Oh, my golly! Maybe I can help? What does the insect look like?

MS: Well, it’s got five hundred legs, fourteen heads, and is green and hairy!

UP: Hmmm… golly… I don’t know what’s got 500 legs, 14 heads, and is green and hairy!

MS: Me either, but it’s crawling up your neck!

UP: Mayor Stitches, you’re such a joker!

MS: Ha-Ha! Well, let’s just say I get a little help from some jokers! That joke was from David Newborn of Cleveland Falls, Ohio. Thanks, David!

UP: Yeah thanks, David! If you kids at home got a joke and would like us to tell it on Uncle Petey’s Goodtime Jolly Hour, just send it care of: Uncle Petey’s Goodtime Jolly Hour 937 Dragton Ave. PO Box 215 St. Louis, Missouri 39012! So besides, the insect problem is everything good?

MS: It’s great, Uncle Petey! And how are you this morning?

UP: I’m… well, let’s just say I’ve been better.

MS: What’s wrong, Uncle Petey?

UP: I don’t really feel like talking about it, Mayor Stiches.

MS: Uncle Petey, if something’s bothering you, you need to talk about it! Remember that one song we learned last Tuesday? If something’s bothering you, you need to talk about it!

UP: But what if I don’t feel like talking about it!

MS: Well, find a way to express your feelings! Maybe through drawing pictures, acting out a play, or some other creative act!

UP: Well, I do find it easier to talk about difficult things if it’s in rhyme and interpretative dance!

MS: Go for it!

UP: Okay…(following is delivered gleefully with interpretative dance)

It happened last night at my magical home/Surrounded by wizards, fairies, and gnomes/I was coloring a picture, when I did hear/My wife in the other room asking me to come near/I came next to my wife and then she said,/"What the hell is this under your bed?"/I lowered my head and said, "Oh, no"/For she had found my kiddie porn video/You see I bought one on the Internet /And put it under my bed, how could I forget?/And as my heart began to fail,/She informed I was going to jail/So I left the house, but didn’t know where to go/So I decided to hide in this here studio/And for the past twelve hours I’ve hidden here/In the custodial closet in absolute fear/And hopefully the police will understand/That I like to look at pictures of nude children for sexual enjoyment and it’s not necessarily my fault since it’s a disease I cannot control

So what’d you think, Mayor Stitches?

M.S.: I’m not talking to you anymore.

U.P: Well, why on earth not?

M.S.: You’re a sick, sick man who I don’t want to associate myself with anymore.

U.P.: But you heard what I said… this is a disease that I have and I can’t control it. It’d be like telling someone who has epilepsy to quit needing insulin to control their blood’s sugar level. Or even closer to the point… it’d be like telling a heterosexual man to quit being attracted to women. I know it’s wrong. I know that, but I can’t… control my urges… I can’t… I can’t… do it… and it’s tearing me up inside…

M.S.: I don’t care. I wish this was just a joke.

U.P.: Which it is! Sent to us from Sherry Delmont of Rochester, Missouri. Thanks for the joke, Sherry. If you kids have one that you’d like to share with us, send it to our studio! We’ll be back after this commercial break!



"Uncle Petey’s Goodtime Jolly Hour" debuted October 27, 2000, performed by Paul Rust.

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