copyright © 2000 Paul Rust

"Crystal Pepsi" by Paul Rust

Gary: Forget Paris. When Harry Met Sally. Analyze This. What do all these films have in common? Why, they star Billy Crystal, of course. Mr. Billy Crystal is one of the greatest funnymen of our time… or anybody’s time for that matter. His timing, his demeanor, his limitless expressions… all of these make the comic genius known as Mr. Crystal. Plus, once my Aunt Cathy saw him in the Mall of America and got her picture taken with him and in the picture, he looked really friendly, I can assure you.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, "Hey, Garry, hold on a goddamn second. You forgot to mention one little thing." And I know. I know. I know what you’re thinking. I forgot to mention one particular movie by Mr. Crystal, but I was merely saving the best for last as they say. And that movie is his funniest ever, which is, of course… everybody say it with me… (say it weakly with little or no help from the audience)City Slickers.

The first time I saw… (say it weakly again, hoping audience will join in now, which they probably won’t)City Slickers, I laughed so hard that my sides split. And I mean literally. The sides of my stomach split open and blood ran down the theatre floor. Just kidding. That was my attempt to be as funny as Mr. Crystal, which will never happen… because you can’t top the master!

My favorite scene of… (say weakly yet again – audience still not joining in) City Slickers is when (start giggling)… he (can’t speak through giggles)… I’ll just show it to you! I won’t be able to give it the justice it so rightfully deserves.

(Show video clip.)

And that’s my favorite line in the entire movie… no, in the entire history of movies! "I’m on vacation!" It’s funny because it’s like, "No, Mr. Crystal, you’re on anything, but a vacation! You’re on a miserable journey of horse-draggin’ pain!" And it’s great because even though I’m sure his stomach is being shredded to pieces by the coarse ground and he’s internally bleeding, he still has time to quip, "I’m on vacation!"

That line joins the ranks of other classic film lines. Like in "Gone with the Wind" when Rhett Butler says in the end… (trying-to-be-good, but bad impression) "Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn." Or in "The Godfather" when Don Corleone says… (trying-to-be-good, but worse impression) "I’ll make him an offer he can’t refuse." Or in "Cop and a Half," when Burt Reynolds says… (trying-to-be-good, but worst impression) "I can’t stand this little kid! He irritates me so much!"

All my friends call me "The Movie Quote Expert." For example, they’ll be hanging out and say, "How does that line go? Too bad Gary the Movie Quote Expert isn’t here. He’d know." But, of course, I can’t tell them because I’m too busy sitting at home, crying that I don’t have any male genitalia. And even if I was there, I couldn’t tell them because they don’t exist.

Wow! I can reenact lines from movies pretty… (say quietly, so no one will hear)… damn… well! In fact, I’ve been work-shopping a scene from a movie. Guess which one? That’s right… (say weakly, another failed attempt for the audience to join in)City Slickers! I hope you don’t ask me to do it for you. What?! You want me to! Okay! But first I need a person to play Jack Palance’s character, Curly. Any volunteers?

(Volunteer abruptly – and therefore, hilariously – appears from stage left.)

Okay, you’ll do. Now the scene we’ll be reenacting is the one we just saw. I’ve highlighted your lines and omitted the naughty words. Now be careful because that’s a page from the actual script. I bought it off of E-bay for eight… ty hundred… million… thousand dollars. So you play Curly – gruff, but with a heart of gold.

(Volunteer and Gary re-enact scene… badly.)


MITCH/GARY: I’m not good at it. I have… uh… a roping disability. (struggles with rope) I’ll be right with you. (swings rope above head) S-S-S-See I’m good with this part.

Curly: Throw it!

(Mitch throws rope, lassos around Curly – zoinks!)

Mitch: You know what j-j-j-just occurred to me? Um, roping is stupid. This is a cow… uh, not a gazelle. Watch. Get off the horse, huh? Then you walk up to the cow. Uh, look how good this is working? Then you s-s-s-say, "Hi, Bob Villa. This Old Herd. Um… we’re gonna’ rope you today." Then you take Mr. Loop and p-p-put it around the head of… uh… Mr. Cow. Now what’s wrong with that?

(Curly whistles, Mitch holds on the rope and goes a-flyin’)

Curly: That!

Mitch: I’m on some sort of vacation!

(Volunteer and Kyle come back together laughing.)

Gary: That was great.

Volunteer: Yeah.

Gary: There’s only one bad part about "City Slickers."

Volunteer: What’s that?

Gary: They never made a sequel!

Volunteer: Well, Gary…

Gary: I mean, the first one was so funny.

Volunteer: Gary…

Gary: So you think they would make a sequel!

Volunteer: Gary!

Gary: What?

Volunteer: They did make a sequel. It came out in 1994 and was called "City Slickers 2: The Legend of Curly’s Gold."

Gary: And I never heard about it?

Volunteer: Guess not.

Gary: You son of a bitch!

(Gary starts to choke Volunteer.)


"Crystal Pepsi" debuted December 1, 2000.

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