- March 10, 2006 - No Shame Los Angeles
Performed by Bobby Timony, Ben Zolno, Rob White
Cryogenics Cure - By Pete Timony
Setting: A Cyrogenics Lab. There's a big sign which reads, "Capital Systems Cryogenics" and in smaller words, "Experience the FUTURE!" There is a booth next to the sign, and a big red button next to the booth.
MAN STANDS FROZEN ON STAGE: LIGHTS UP
(A man, TED, walks in and presses the button. There is a loud "DING!" and the booth opens and JOE staggers out.)
JOE
What year is it? Have they cured cancer?
TED
Hey Joe.
JOE
Ted? What are you doing in the future?
TED
The future? Joe, it's Thursday. I just came by because I have an extra ticket to the Giants game tonight and I wanted to see if you wanted to go.
JOE
No I don't want to go!
TED
Why not?
JOE
Because I have CANCER! I have to stay frozen until it's cured.
TED
Oh, okay.
JOE
See ya, Ted.
TED
See ya, Joe.
(Joe re-enters his booth. There's a hissing sound, and he's frozen. Lights fade as Ted leaves and then come back up. Ted enters with a birthday hat on. He's carrying a cake. He presses the button. There is a loud "DING!" and the booth opens and Joe staggers out.)
TED
SURPRISE!
JOE
What year is it? Have they cured cancer?
TED
It's still the same year, and they haven't cured cancer, but it's your birthday, man! Surprise!
JOE
Ted, what did I tell you? I have to STAY FROZEN.
TED
I know.
JOE
That means no more waking me up!
TED
But, it's your birthday...
JOE
I DON'T CARE! Don't wake me up again until cancer is cured! I mean it!
TED
Fine, ya ingrate. No cake for you.
JOE
Fine!
(Joe re-enters his booth. There's a hissing sound, and he's frozen. Lights fade as Ted leaves and then come back up. Ted enters with a robot mask on and a fake laser gun. He presses the button. There is a loud "DING!" and the booth opens and Joe staggers out.)
JOE
What year is it? Have they cured cancer?
TED
(In a robotic voice)
It is the year 2939. We have cured all diseases known to man.
JOE
You did? Really? That's fantastic! HOORAY! I can't believe it! I'm going to be cured! How did you do it? How did you cure EVERY disease?
TED
By eradicating all life on this planet.
(Ted points his laser at Joe.)
JOE
What... no... No!
(Joe drops to his knees and bellows over-dramatically.)
NO!!!
Ted begins to snicker, then busts out laughing. He removes the mask.
TED
Oh that was priceless! You should've seen your face, man!
JOE
Ted?
TED
Oh my God! I can't believe you fell for that!
JOE
I'm gonna kill you, TED.
TED
Oh man, I wish I'd have taped that. I'd put it all over the internet. You went totally Charlton Heston, man!
JOE
KILL YOU!
(Joe jumps on Ted and tries to strangle him.)
TED
Where's your sense of humor man?
(Ted knocks Joe off of him and gets up.)
TED
You've changed, man. Your two weeks of being frozen must've really messed up your brain. I don't know you any more. I DON'T KNOW YOU!
(Ted leaves. Joe goes back into his booth. There's a hissing sound, and he's frozen. Lights fade and then come back up. A scientist enters wearing a lab coat. He presses the button. There is a loud "DING!" and the booth opens and Joe staggers out.)
JOE
Ted? If that's you...
SCIENTIST
Welcome back, sir. It's time to experience the FUTURE!
JOE
What year is it? Is cancer cured?
SCIENTIST
It's 2939, and we've cured all diseases.
Ted enters.
TED
Hey Joe, Isn't that weird? I totally said it would be in 2939. Hit that nail on the HEAD!
JOE
Oh no. TED! What are you doing here? This isn't the future at all, is it?
SCIENTIST
It is the year 2939 and...
TED
And I discovered I had cancer too, so I froze myself. Isn't this great, Joe? We can experience the FUTURE... together!
(Joe drops to his knees and goes all Charlton Heston again.)
JOE
NOOOOO!!!!
BLACKOUT
THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
Performed by Bobby Timony, Ben Zolno, Rob White
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