Motor Voter copyright © 2002 Dave Ulrich

            "Motor Voter"
            By, Dave Ulrich
            Copyright © 2002 Dave Ulrich

            SCENE 1

                                        An empty stage.

                                        All of the following should happen at a brisk TV
                                        clip speed.

                                        A group of TWELVE ACTORS enter and stand on
                                        one side of the stage, facing center stage.

                                        Simultaneously, an ACTRESS enters on the
                                        opposite side of the stage, goes to center and faces
                                        the audience.

                                        Once in position, she smacks her palm to her
                                        forehead melodramatically and speaks.

                                   WOMAN #1
            Oops. I did it again.

                                        She frowns.

                                        The other twelve actors erupt into laughter that
                                        evolves into applause. As the applause dies down,
                                        MAN #1 and a WOMAN #2 step forward to center
                                        stage from the crowd of actors. WOMAN #1 joins
                                        the actor crowd.

                                   MAN #1
            Honey, are you sure you want to do this?

                                   WOMAN #2
            Of course I am. With low financing and high introductory rent
            - that's controlled -- well, the new 2003 Hollywood is just
            right for me.

                                   MAN #1
            You must be right. There's so many people shopping this
            dealership, we could hardly find a place to park!

                                        Another man, MAN #2 steps out of the crowd of
                                        actors and goes to near center stage.

                                   MAN #2
                          (in an announcer voice)
            Drive nearby today and kind of experience the new 2003
            Hollywood for yourself.

                                   ALL ACTORS
            You're gonna love it, Holl-oll-yyyy-wood.

                                        As the three actors from center stage rejoin the
                                        crowd, two actresses step out to center in their

                                        If possible, a gentle acoustic guitar ditty should be
                                        played by an actor under the following.

                                   WOMAN #3
            Gosh Kate, you look frustrated.

                                   WOMAN #4
            It's this generic tampon, Susan. It's just so uncomfortable.

                                   WOMAN #3
            Well Kate, the only thing more unusual than using our names
            in every sentence, is speaking freely about feminine hygiene
            products. That's why I...

                                        All of the actors make a static burst sound of a
                                        television channel changing and thrust their hands
                                        out as if they had remote controls. [Hereafter
                                        referred to as "the channel change"]

                                        At the same moment two men have stepped
                                        forward and the women retreat.

                                   MAN #3
                          (pointing to the ground in
                           front of the audience)
            The body was found here. Prone. It appears the intruder
            entered from that door.
                          (indicating the theatre house
            And struck the victim like so.

                                        MAN #3 imitates the act of striking someone a
                                        little too viciously, for too long a time, and very

                                   MAN #4
                          (in a thick Austrian, Arnold
            We wouldn't have this kind of crime if only we had
            afterschool programs. Only a terrorist would say 'no' to
            afterschool programs.

                                   MAN #3
            The perpetrator would say 'no,' I guarantee that, buddy.

                                   MAN #4
                          (in a thick Austrian, Arnold
            This scumbag will pay...

                                        All actors do the channel change.

                                        At the same moment two women and a man have
                                        stepped forward to center and the men, already
                                        center stage, retreat to the actor crowd.

                                   MAN #5
            There's nothing I like more than tight-bodied babes. Like
            these two.

                                        The two women step forward and stand one on
                                        each arm of the man.

                                   WOMAN #5
            Hi, I'm Brandi with an 'i'.

                                   WOMAN #6
            And I'm Candee with two 'e's.

                                   MAN #5
            Nothing. Except of course, a cool, refreshing beer...

                                        All actors do the channel change.

                                        At the same moment another man and another
                                        woman step forward, WOMAN #6 stays. MAN #5
                                        and WOMAN #5 retreat.

                                        The three center stage crouch down as if they are
                                        looking at blueprints.

                                   WOMAN #7
            To get inside the think tank at Humanitas Accomodatus, we'll
            have to come in through...
            ... here.

                                   MAN #6
            The heart? Are you insane! It's way too dangerous!

                                   WOMAN #6
            No. She's right. It's the only way. Besides, we'll have

                                   MAN #6
            But what will they be?

                                   WOMAN #7

                                   WOMAN #6
            You fool!

                                        She slaps WOMAN #7

                                   WOMAN #6
            No one respects an environmentalist! We'll call ourselves

                                   MAN #6
            What's the difference?

                                        A LONG PAUSE.

                                        WOMAN #6 slaps WOMAN #7 again.

                                        MAN #5 rushes up.

                                   MAN #5
            Miss Corp is hopping mad and coming here to... Oh! She's here

                                        WOMAN #4 pushes past MAN #5.

                                   WOMAN #4
            Someone's leaked information to the outside.

                                        Everyone gasps.

                                   WOMAN #4
            We need to disguise our disguise of conservationism. Quick,
            everyone brainstorm. We need a mask that people want to see!

                                   WOMAN #6
            Traffic... congestion... fighters?

                                        WOMAN #7 slaps WOMAN #6.

                                   WOMAN #4
            Wait. That's perfect!

                                        WOMAN #6 slaps WOMAN #7 back.

                                   WOMAN #4

                                        MAN #4 rushes in.

                                   MAN #4
            Yes, Miss Corp.

                                   WOMAN #4
            Get me a half-caf lattˇ, no foam, twelve miniature school
            buses, and a legislator.

                                   MAN #4
            Which one?

                                        WOMAN #4 slaps MAN #4.

                                   WOMAN #4
            Tell this fool which one!

                                   MAN #5
            French roast, you idiot.

                                   WOMAN #4
            Now, all of you -- get moving!

                                        They all leave.

                                   WOMAN #4

                                        WOMAN #5 rushes in.

                                   WOMAN #5
            Yes, Miss Corp.

                                   WOMAN #4
            Have you been listening in?

                                   WOMAN #5
            Every word.

                                   WOMAN #4
            Excellent. Draw it up in legalese.

                                   WOMAN #5
            Yes Ma'am.

                                        All actors do the channel change.

                                        WOMAN #5 quickly adjusts her body position and
                                        place on the stage.

                                   WOMAN #5
            When I found out that I had genital herpes...

                                        All actors do the channel change.

                                        WOMAN #5 rejoins the actor group as MAN #1
                                        rushes to center stage.

                                   MAN #1
            Many area residents are wondering what they would do in the
            event of a bioterrorism attack. Should such an attack take
            place and critical medical care is needed, the federal
            government has declared that all citizens should report -- as
            quickly as possible -- to the nearest trauma center. For
            Angelenos the options are plenty: You can make your way to
            Phoenix, Arizona, Portland, Oregon, or Atlanta, Georgia as
            time and money allow.

                                        All actors do the channel change.

                                        MAN #1 rejoins the actor group as WOMAN #3
                                        rushes to center stage.

                                   WOMAN #3
            Do you suffer from depression?

                                        All actors do the channel change.

                                        WOMAN #3 rejoins the actor group.

                                   MAN #2
            Many Southland students have been pleased to discover that
            the new school year greeted them with a few pleasant changes.
            Gone are the days of two students sharing one chair with
            additional students on their laps. Now there is no lap
            sitting and chairs wide enough to accommodate two students
            more comfortably.
            Studies indicate that these new chairs and free laps might
            slow down the massive outbreak of misaligned spines in our
            area schools.

                                        All actors do the channel change.

                                        MAN #2 rejoins the actor group.

                                        WOMAN #1 comes back onstage. She's talking on
                                        the phone. 

                                        All actors have a short burst of laughter that
                                        quickly fades as WOMAN #1 speaks.

                                   WOMAN #1
            Gee, I don't know how it happened. I really didn't know any
            thing about it!

                                        She smacks her palm to her forehead
                                        melodramatically and smiles sheepishly. The other
                                        twelve actors erupt into laughter that evolves into
            THE END

"Motor Voter" debuted October 25, 2002, directed by J.J. Hickey, with the following cast:
Woman #1 - Marianne ?
Woman #2 - Shay ?
Woman #3 - Shayla Fernandes
Woman #4 - Toni Loppnow
Woman #5 - Michelle Garb
Woman #6 - Kat Zagone
Woman #7 - Shana ?
Man #1 - Eric Johnson
Man #2 - Aaron Cain
Man #3 - Nick Zagone
Man #4 - Michael Rothschild
Man #5 - Chris Clarke
Man #6 - Carlo Matar

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