"Motor Voter" By, Dave Ulrich Copyright © 2002 Dave Ulrich SCENE 1 An empty stage. All of the following should happen at a brisk TV clip speed. A group of TWELVE ACTORS enter and stand on one side of the stage, facing center stage. Simultaneously, an ACTRESS enters on the opposite side of the stage, goes to center and faces the audience. Once in position, she smacks her palm to her forehead melodramatically and speaks. WOMAN #1 Oops. I did it again. She frowns. The other twelve actors erupt into laughter that evolves into applause. As the applause dies down, MAN #1 and a WOMAN #2 step forward to center stage from the crowd of actors. WOMAN #1 joins the actor crowd. MAN #1 Honey, are you sure you want to do this? WOMAN #2 Of course I am. With low financing and high introductory rent - that's controlled -- well, the new 2003 Hollywood is just right for me. MAN #1 You must be right. There's so many people shopping this dealership, we could hardly find a place to park! Another man, MAN #2 steps out of the crowd of actors and goes to near center stage. MAN #2 (in an announcer voice) Drive nearby today and kind of experience the new 2003 Hollywood for yourself. ALL ACTORS (singing) You're gonna love it, Holl-oll-yyyy-wood. As the three actors from center stage rejoin the crowd, two actresses step out to center in their place.. If possible, a gentle acoustic guitar ditty should be played by an actor under the following. WOMAN #3 Gosh Kate, you look frustrated. WOMAN #4 It's this generic tampon, Susan. It's just so uncomfortable. WOMAN #3 Well Kate, the only thing more unusual than using our names in every sentence, is speaking freely about feminine hygiene products. That's why I... All of the actors make a static burst sound of a television channel changing and thrust their hands out as if they had remote controls. [Hereafter referred to as "the channel change"] At the same moment two men have stepped forward and the women retreat. MAN #3 (pointing to the ground in front of the audience) The body was found here. Prone. It appears the intruder entered from that door. (indicating the theatre house door) And struck the victim like so. MAN #3 imitates the act of striking someone a little too viciously, for too long a time, and very enthusiastically. MAN #4 (in a thick Austrian, Arnold accent) We wouldn't have this kind of crime if only we had afterschool programs. Only a terrorist would say 'no' to afterschool programs. MAN #3 The perpetrator would say 'no,' I guarantee that, buddy. MAN #4 (in a thick Austrian, Arnold accent) This scumbag will pay... All actors do the channel change. At the same moment two women and a man have stepped forward to center and the men, already center stage, retreat to the actor crowd. MAN #5 There's nothing I like more than tight-bodied babes. Like these two. The two women step forward and stand one on each arm of the man. WOMAN #5 Hi, I'm Brandi with an 'i'. WOMAN #6 And I'm Candee with two 'e's. MAN #5 Nothing. Except of course, a cool, refreshing beer... All actors do the channel change. At the same moment another man and another woman step forward, WOMAN #6 stays. MAN #5 and WOMAN #5 retreat. The three center stage crouch down as if they are looking at blueprints. WOMAN #7 To get inside the think tank at Humanitas Accomodatus, we'll have to come in through... (pointing) ... here. MAN #6 The heart? Are you insane! It's way too dangerous! WOMAN #6 No. She's right. It's the only way. Besides, we'll have disguises. MAN #6 But what will they be? WOMAN #7 Environmentalists. WOMAN #6 You fool! She slaps WOMAN #7 WOMAN #6 No one respects an environmentalist! We'll call ourselves conservationists. MAN #6 What's the difference? A LONG PAUSE. WOMAN #6 slaps WOMAN #7 again. MAN #5 rushes up. MAN #5 Miss Corp is hopping mad and coming here to... Oh! She's here now. WOMAN #4 pushes past MAN #5. WOMAN #4 Someone's leaked information to the outside. Everyone gasps. WOMAN #4 We need to disguise our disguise of conservationism. Quick, everyone brainstorm. We need a mask that people want to see! WOMAN #6 Traffic... congestion... fighters? WOMAN #7 slaps WOMAN #6. WOMAN #4 Wait. That's perfect! WOMAN #6 slaps WOMAN #7 back. WOMAN #4 Fink! MAN #4 rushes in. MAN #4 Yes, Miss Corp. WOMAN #4 Get me a half-caf lattˇ, no foam, twelve miniature school buses, and a legislator. MAN #4 Which one? WOMAN #4 slaps MAN #4. WOMAN #4 Tell this fool which one! MAN #5 French roast, you idiot. WOMAN #4 Now, all of you -- get moving! They all leave. WOMAN #4 Tahoe! WOMAN #5 rushes in. WOMAN #5 Yes, Miss Corp. WOMAN #4 Have you been listening in? WOMAN #5 Every word. WOMAN #4 Excellent. Draw it up in legalese. WOMAN #5 Yes Ma'am. All actors do the channel change. WOMAN #5 quickly adjusts her body position and place on the stage. WOMAN #5 When I found out that I had genital herpes... All actors do the channel change. WOMAN #5 rejoins the actor group as MAN #1 rushes to center stage. MAN #1 Many area residents are wondering what they would do in the event of a bioterrorism attack. Should such an attack take place and critical medical care is needed, the federal government has declared that all citizens should report -- as quickly as possible -- to the nearest trauma center. For Angelenos the options are plenty: You can make your way to Phoenix, Arizona, Portland, Oregon, or Atlanta, Georgia as time and money allow. All actors do the channel change. MAN #1 rejoins the actor group as WOMAN #3 rushes to center stage. WOMAN #3 Do you suffer from depression? All actors do the channel change. WOMAN #3 rejoins the actor group. MAN #2 Many Southland students have been pleased to discover that the new school year greeted them with a few pleasant changes. Gone are the days of two students sharing one chair with additional students on their laps. Now there is no lap sitting and chairs wide enough to accommodate two students more comfortably. Studies indicate that these new chairs and free laps might slow down the massive outbreak of misaligned spines in our area schools. All actors do the channel change. MAN #2 rejoins the actor group. WOMAN #1 comes back onstage. She's talking on the phone. All actors have a short burst of laughter that quickly fades as WOMAN #1 speaks. WOMAN #1 Gee, I don't know how it happened. I really didn't know any thing about it! She smacks her palm to her forehead melodramatically and smiles sheepishly. The other twelve actors erupt into laughter that evolves into applause. THE END"Motor Voter" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"Motor Voter" debuted October 25, 2002, directed by J.J. Hickey, with the following cast:
Woman #1 - Marianne ?
Woman #2 - Shay ?
Woman #3 - Shayla Fernandes
Woman #4 - Toni Loppnow
Woman #5 - Michelle Garb
Woman #6 - Kat Zagone
Woman #7 - Shana ?
Man #1 - Eric Johnson
Man #2 - Aaron Cain
Man #3 - Nick Zagone
Man #4 - Michael Rothschild
Man #5 - Chris Clarke
Man #6 - Carlo Matar