"Up and Down" By, Dave Ulrich Copyright © 2002 Dave Ulrich SCENE 1 A man is sitting at one side of a table with a notepad in front of him. A woman joins him with a notepad. SUSAN Bill. BILL Susan. SUSAN Ah crap. BILL What? SUSAN I forgot my water bottle. BILL Well, do you think this will take long? SUSAN Oh no. Gabe never lets these things... Another man enters and sits at the table. JIM Bill, Susan. Good, I beat Gabe. How are you fuckers? Susan, damn, you look good today. BILL Susan forgot her water. JIM Well, this shouldn't take long. You know how Gabe doesn't like to draw these... Two men enter. Gabe, sits at the head of the table and Tony remains standing behind him. ALL Gabe! GABE Jim. Susan. Bill. Well, it's time again. Let's not draw this out. You know I don't like to... BILL Of course not. SUSAN I believe we're all prepared. JIM You bet, Gabe. GABE All right, then. Let's cut to the chase. Susan, why don't you start. SUSAN Of course. For my department to function we need an absolute bare minimum of five. GABE What do you have now? SUSAN Seven. GABE You can keep three. SUSAN Three, Gabe? GABE When we hit crisis, we'll bring in a supervisor to straighten out the mess as cheap as we can manage. So let's hear it. SUSAN I really do need four, Gabe. GABE Okay. Then show me how you can make it work. Susan consults her list/notes. SUSAN Jessica has a lot of responsibility but only makes forty after two and a half years. We can bump her title and she'll be so relieved over surviving another round... we can keep her cheap for another six months -- minimum. GABE Next. SUSAN Frank's an overachiever. It annoys me. He's out. Cheryl is clueless and unattractive to look at. Joe's too short. She draws three lines on her paper. SUSAN That leaves me Jason and Jessica, and then Robert and Karla. Tony notes this. GABE Who are the other two? TONY Robert's an intern, Karla's new. SUSAN (ignoring Tony) Robert the intern: if we bring him on in someone's place, we can keep him in the mid-twenties. GABE And the chick? SUSAN Karla's under thirty thousand. She doesn't know much yet, but Jessica will abuse her into understanding quick. If we bump her to thirty she'll take the abuse. TONY She's a single mother. GABE Then she'd lick shoes for thirty. So what's our anticipated total on these four? SUSAN One twenty and some change. GABE Good. And where are you at? SUSAN What do you mean, Gabe? GABE What am I paying you, Susan? Susan looks at the others uncomfortably. SUSAN Do I... really... have to say? Pause. TONY Two fourteen. Options and the car. Susan flashes Tony a look. GABE I need to bring you down to an even two, Susan. SUSAN All right, then fuck Karla and put me at two twenty. GABE Fuck Karla and you can stay where you're at. SUSAN Deal. Susan draws another line. Tony adds to his notes GABE Good. Who's next? JIM I'll go. I'm easy. GABE All right. How many do you need? JIM Eight. GABE How many do you have? JIM Eight. GABE You can have five. JIM Freddie, Steve, Stacy, Maggie, and Kate. They are two interns, one entry-level, one prodigy, and one bitch from hell. No one over forty. I'm clear under one fifty. GABE Damn Jim. I like it. Where are you at? JIM Three hundred. GABE You can stay there. JIM Thanks, Gabe. Tony notes it. GABE Bill? What have you got? BILL Well, I didn't really prepare for... this. GABE You didn't prepare. What do you mean? BILL I just didn't think we would... GABE We would what? BILL Be so frank. So candid. I mean this is the third round. By now I just didn't think we could lose... GABE What are you saying? BILL It's just... Everyone's already doing at least three people's work.... These are people, you know. People's lives. They all laugh, but Bill. JIM (chuckling) Damn, Bill. BILL I'm serious. I'm already understaffed as it is. To lose even one would send my department out of control. GABE Are you saying you can't handle the management of the department unless it's running fat? BILL No, Gabe. I'm saying I'm already so lean... GABE Are you fucking kidding me Bill? BILL Well, no... Gabe -- GABE Now you're gonna 'Gabe' me? A beat. BILL I don't understand what that means. Tony chuckles. GABE Bill, stop dicking around and tell me who you're losing. BILL Can I have more time to ponder it? See, I thought... GABE How many do you have Bill? TONY He has eight. GABE You can have four. BILL Four?!? GABE I'm sorry, did I say four? Make it three. BILL Gabe... GABE All right, two. BILL But... SUSAN I think you need to shut up. BILL Susan! SUSAN Bill! BILL You can't think that this is... JIM They're just people! A long pause. GABE Bill. You're fired. BILL But... GABE Save the shit, Bill. You'll get severance. You're done at the end of the day. See Janice for your... meeting thing. TONY Exit interview. BILL You can't... GABE Stop. Just listen to yourself, Bill. Go while you've still got a thread of decency. Bill gathers his papers, glaring at each of them, and starts to walk out shell-shocked. He stops. BILL Decency? Do you any idea what it's like to be walking the fine line these people under us... JIM (increduously) Shut the fuck up. (after a beat) No, Bill, we don't. Know what it's like. Finding out might drag us right down into their smelly world of shitty cars, rental homes, and basic fucking cable. It's the nature of the chain. Exposing myself to their small lives and big problems takes my time, my energy and my focus - away from this life that I love -- which is far away from theirs. If anyone, ever tried to take this life away from me, I would put a bullet through your fucking head. That is what it means to me. How much it means to me. To us. BILL You all feel that way? Pause. SUSAN I'm not going to struggle through my life just so others don't have to struggle more. What if everyone did that? A beat. BILL Yeah. What if. (to Tony) Tony? How could you? You're an assistant. TONY To a god. GABE Bill. Decide. Say it to me: 'they're just people.' A long pause. BILL They're just... GABE Too late. I fucking fired you. Bill glares at him for a beat and walks out. GABE Christ. Let's order some goddamn lunch. Lights out. THE END"Up & Down" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"Up & Down" debuted November 1, 2002, directed by J.J. Hickey, with the following cast:
Susan - Michelle Garb
Bill - Mike ?
Jim - Chris Clarke
Gabe - Eric Johnson
Tony - Michael Rothschild