"3 Minute Rule"
            By, Dave Ulrich

            SCENE 1

                                        Lights up.

                                        This play takes three minutes.

                                        A PERSON rushes on to the stage..

                                   PERSON
            Okay! I'm going to do this as quick as posssible since I only
            have... what? Three minutes?!?

                                        Jeff Goode answers from the house.

                                   JEFF GOODE
            Ideally, yes.

                                   PERSON
            Right. Okay! There's just so much to say... that I have to
            tell you. You see, I've been in a place that I'm sure many of
            you can relate to. Most. Maybe. Okay! Right. I mean everyday,
            there's things, that, you know, you think. I think. And I
            think: I bet I'm not the only one thinking, the only one
            that's thought -- this... thing. Like the guy with the cart
            and the horn and the... thing. And I think -- every time, I
            think, "Are those homemade Funyions?" And things, you know,
            less... trivial. You know, less banal. Like... you know. You
            know? Like, why, even when you know what you need to do, to
            feel -- fulfilled, you can only motivate yourself for
            anything but that... thing... and... Dammit! Or I read a
            thing, and I think, "Are they kidding me?" And we run around
            doing these things all day and it's dark at five now? And
            then you hear about the guy in apartment number -- something 
            - and the car and the dying, or the girl and the cancer who's
            got the dog and you're all wigged out because there's the
            girl in your life that you... and she's not... or she's
            got... and then it's like, okay! Right. And so you go
            ahead... and dammit!

                                        Stops. Takes a breath.

                                        Then speaks again with  a forced steadiness.

                                   PERSON
            Whew. Okay. Right. I'm straying, and time... See I've
            discovered this... I've had this thought, I think.
            That might help the kind of people that would be sitting, you
            know, here -- I mean, where you are... sitting... now. Focus.
            I'm focusing. Okay! So, it started from a moment. A reaction
            moment. To something, I don't really -- remember. But I read,
            heard, saw... a thing. And I thought, "Good lord! It can get
            you at any time. Just, you know... like that!
                          (snaps fingers)

                                   PERSON
            The... And then.... boop!
                          (gestures)
            You know? So, what am I waiting for? Death? Okay! Right.
            Because that's the only thing down the pike that is a
            certainty, but still... you know? Here we stand. Walk. Sit.
            Read. Or maybe watch, listen... Dammit! How much? It's like
            life. This... this three minute rule. You figure out a thing
            and life is like "Come on! Come on! Come on! Do it! Do the
            thing, do it now!" Or you know, "Say it." Or...
                          (gesturing at the audience)
            ... "Share it now! Share it quick!" And you're like, "Wait.
            Wait I need a second to..." and life goes "Too late! Time's
            up!"

                                        Simultaneously with "Time's up!":

                                   JEFF GOODE
            Time's up!

                                   PERSON
            Motherfucker!

                                        Lights out.
            THE END

"3 Minute Rule" debuted November 15, 2002,

Person - Chris Clarke
Jeff Goode - Himself

[Back to Library]