"The Assurance of Harvey Treehorn"
By, Dave Ulrich
Lights up.
Harvey is sitting at a table waiting.
Beth enters and stands above him with a generic
smile.
BETH
Harvey Treehorn.
Harvey starts to stand politely and offers his hand.
HARVEY
Yes?
BETH
Oh. It wasn't a question, Harvey. So.
After deliberation, she shakes his hand.
BETH
Congratulations on your employment with us. You must have
made quite an impression. Carl is not an easy one to get
along with.
They sit.
HARVEY
Ah. Well, thank you, I guess. I was rather nervous, this was
my first...
BETH
Spectacular. I'm Beth McNealy, you may call me Beth. Okay
then. Let's get started. Do you have any questions?
HARVEY
Um. Yes. Actually.
BETH
What is it?
HARVEY
Who are you? I mean, what is it you do?
BETH
Oh. Right. I'm H.R.
HARVEY
Ah ha. Okay.
BETH
Anything else?
HARVEY
(embarrassed)
What is H.R.?
BETH
Human Resources, Harvey. That means I am here to help you. To
guide you and give you assurance.
HARVEY
Insurance?
BETH
That, too. Assurance. While we speak, perhaps you could be
filling out these forms.
She pushes a small stack of papers to him and
gives him a pen..
HARVEY
You bet.
BETH
Eager to get going. That's great Harvey.
HARVEY
Thanks Beth.
She gives him a look for addressing her as such.
BETH
This is a standard W-4. This is a Declaration of Citizenship
form. We will get copies of your picture ID after you've
settled in. Here we have our Confidentiality Agreement.
HARVEY
Confidentiality?
BETH
It's all just standard requirements for employment here. I
could go into elaborate details, but we wouldn't want to
spoil the surprise, now would we?
HARVEY
Surprise?
BETH
I'm joking Harvey. H.R. Humor.
HARVEY
Oh!
He forces a chuckle and signs the paper.
BETH
This is the Clean Criminal Background Affidavit, our Computer
Use Care Commitment Policy Agreement, Accidental Death Waiver
and 401K Deference.
Charles peeks into the room.
CHARLES
Whoops, sorry!
(to someone offstage)
Beth's in there with some guy. I can't do that, Joe. No, I
can't do that.
(to Beth)
Will you be long?
BETH
This is an orientation, Charles.
CHARLES
Okay! Great then.
Charles exits. A beat.
HARVEY
Did you say accidental death?
BETH
Oh yes. Should something tragic happen to you, any deposits
or debts owed the company will not be applied to your friends
and family. To ease their transition. A protective measure
for you and your loved ones, and such.
HARVEY
And did you say deference?
BETH
Not of that Harvey! Of your 401K is all. It's standard,
really. You wouldn't be eligible for six months anyway. This
simply prevents unnecessary paperwork in the interim.
As we approach the six month mark of your employment, you may
then apply.
HARVEY
And I'll have a 401K?
BETH
After six months.
HARVEY
From now or then.
BETH
Of course.
(she sighs)
Harvey. This is all standard procedure.
HARVEY
Right.
Harvey signs the documents.
Beth leans in confidentially.
BETH
Now Harvey, I need to ask you something.
Harvey leans in, too.
HARVEY
Okay.
BETH
Do you already have health insurance?
HARVEY
No.
Beth leans back comfortably.
BETH
Okay. We can offer HMO, PPO, or, of course, deference.
HARVEY
What's the difference?
BETH
Well, the HMO offers a lower deductible, but you cannot
choose a doctor. The PPO allows you to choose, but you have
a higher deductible. And of course, deference is...
deference.
HARVEY
Why would I...
Charles peeks in again.
CHARLES
Oh fuck. Sorry. Beth. Have a trouble-maker on your hands, eh?
HARVEY
What does he mean by...
BETH
Charles, we are doing this as quickly as possible... for
someone who is not acquainted with standard procedures.
HARVEY
I'm sorry, it's just...
BETH
No Harvey! You do not apologize. We are here for you. For
your assurance.
CHARLES
Well sorry. And don't get the insurance Harvey. It's a scam.
(to offstage)
She's still in there with that guy!?!?
He exits.
BETH
So which kind of insurance would you like?
HARVEY
Why did he say it was a scam?
BETH
Oh. He deferred. Many employees believe carrying insurance is
ridiculous.
HARVEY
Why?
BETH
Well Harvey, let's just say that you get hurt when... an
anvil falls on your hip.
HARVEY
Unh, huh.
BETH
Well that's going to cost a pretty penny, Harvey. Probably a
good twelve hundred dollars.
But your deductible could be as much as a thousand dollars.
Which means you pay the insurance company one thousand
dollars, but in the end you are only saving two hundred.
Meanwhile, you've been paying the insurance company a hundred
dollars a month from your paycheck. So, let's say all of this
happened to you a year from now. You'd have already paid the
insurance compeny twelve hundred dollars, now you pay them an
additional one thousand... provided you happen to have it on
you. At this point you've paid them twenty-two hundred
dollars, so that they can cover you for twelve hundred for
your accident.
HARVEY
Well that hardly sounds fair.
BETH
Precisely Harvey. That's why some employees prefer to set
aside their own money for emergency use. Does this mean you
would like to defer?
HARVEY
I... I think so.
BETH
Terrific. Then just sign this form.
He signs.
BETH
Now there is just one form, Harvey.
HARVEY
That's great, Beth.
She gives him another 'look' at the sound of her
name.
BETH
This is the employee contribution fund.
HARVEY
What's that?
BETH
There are certain amenities that we provide, such as a coffee
machine, donuts on Mondays, plastic silverware in the
lunchroom, cups... You see where I'm headed with this?
Charles peeks in.
CHARLES
Oh for God's Sake Harvey! What's your problem?
BETH
Charles!
He makes a face and exits.
BETH
I am so sorry Harvey. I would never rush you through this.
Where were we? Oh yes, employee contribution. To pay for
these amenities and any others that may pop up, employees may
elect to contribute directly from their paycheck.
HARVEY
How much is that?
BETH
Well, that depends on the level of company usage each month.
It's on a sliding, variable, scale.
HARVEY
I don't know...
BETH
Of course. It's not a requirement. Your job does not depend
on it. It's just a form of... team spirit for lack of a
better word. It's more for your co-workers than yourself
anyway... so I understand.
HARVEY
I guess it does make sense to do it then.
BETH
Indeed. It does tell the other employees that you aren't just
looking out for yourself.
Harvey signs.
BETH
(very quickly)
Well, that's it Harvey. See, painless! Here is your parking
pass and elevator key card. Welcome aboard.
HARVEY
Thanks... Beth.
They shake hands and Harvey leaves in a daze.
Beth bursts into maniacal laughter.
Blackout.
THE END
"The Assurance of Harvey Treehorn"
IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE
DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED
WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"The Assurance of Harvey Treehorn" debuted November 15, 2002, directed by J.J. Hickey, with the following cast:
Beth - Tory Seiter
Harvey Treehorn - Brian Rochlin
Charles - Chris Clarke
Library]
