"The Assurance of Harvey Treehorn" By, Dave Ulrich Lights up. Harvey is sitting at a table waiting. Beth enters and stands above him with a generic smile. BETH Harvey Treehorn. Harvey starts to stand politely and offers his hand. HARVEY Yes? BETH Oh. It wasn't a question, Harvey. So. After deliberation, she shakes his hand. BETH Congratulations on your employment with us. You must have made quite an impression. Carl is not an easy one to get along with. They sit. HARVEY Ah. Well, thank you, I guess. I was rather nervous, this was my first... BETH Spectacular. I'm Beth McNealy, you may call me Beth. Okay then. Let's get started. Do you have any questions? HARVEY Um. Yes. Actually. BETH What is it? HARVEY Who are you? I mean, what is it you do? BETH Oh. Right. I'm H.R. HARVEY Ah ha. Okay. BETH Anything else? HARVEY (embarrassed) What is H.R.? BETH Human Resources, Harvey. That means I am here to help you. To guide you and give you assurance. HARVEY Insurance? BETH That, too. Assurance. While we speak, perhaps you could be filling out these forms. She pushes a small stack of papers to him and gives him a pen.. HARVEY You bet. BETH Eager to get going. That's great Harvey. HARVEY Thanks Beth. She gives him a look for addressing her as such. BETH This is a standard W-4. This is a Declaration of Citizenship form. We will get copies of your picture ID after you've settled in. Here we have our Confidentiality Agreement. HARVEY Confidentiality? BETH It's all just standard requirements for employment here. I could go into elaborate details, but we wouldn't want to spoil the surprise, now would we? HARVEY Surprise? BETH I'm joking Harvey. H.R. Humor. HARVEY Oh! He forces a chuckle and signs the paper. BETH This is the Clean Criminal Background Affidavit, our Computer Use Care Commitment Policy Agreement, Accidental Death Waiver and 401K Deference. Charles peeks into the room. CHARLES Whoops, sorry! (to someone offstage) Beth's in there with some guy. I can't do that, Joe. No, I can't do that. (to Beth) Will you be long? BETH This is an orientation, Charles. CHARLES Okay! Great then. Charles exits. A beat. HARVEY Did you say accidental death? BETH Oh yes. Should something tragic happen to you, any deposits or debts owed the company will not be applied to your friends and family. To ease their transition. A protective measure for you and your loved ones, and such. HARVEY And did you say deference? BETH Not of that Harvey! Of your 401K is all. It's standard, really. You wouldn't be eligible for six months anyway. This simply prevents unnecessary paperwork in the interim. As we approach the six month mark of your employment, you may then apply. HARVEY And I'll have a 401K? BETH After six months. HARVEY From now or then. BETH Of course. (she sighs) Harvey. This is all standard procedure. HARVEY Right. Harvey signs the documents. Beth leans in confidentially. BETH Now Harvey, I need to ask you something. Harvey leans in, too. HARVEY Okay. BETH Do you already have health insurance? HARVEY No. Beth leans back comfortably. BETH Okay. We can offer HMO, PPO, or, of course, deference. HARVEY What's the difference? BETH Well, the HMO offers a lower deductible, but you cannot choose a doctor. The PPO allows you to choose, but you have a higher deductible. And of course, deference is... deference. HARVEY Why would I... Charles peeks in again. CHARLES Oh fuck. Sorry. Beth. Have a trouble-maker on your hands, eh? HARVEY What does he mean by... BETH Charles, we are doing this as quickly as possible... for someone who is not acquainted with standard procedures. HARVEY I'm sorry, it's just... BETH No Harvey! You do not apologize. We are here for you. For your assurance. CHARLES Well sorry. And don't get the insurance Harvey. It's a scam. (to offstage) She's still in there with that guy!?!? He exits. BETH So which kind of insurance would you like? HARVEY Why did he say it was a scam? BETH Oh. He deferred. Many employees believe carrying insurance is ridiculous. HARVEY Why? BETH Well Harvey, let's just say that you get hurt when... an anvil falls on your hip. HARVEY Unh, huh. BETH Well that's going to cost a pretty penny, Harvey. Probably a good twelve hundred dollars. But your deductible could be as much as a thousand dollars. Which means you pay the insurance company one thousand dollars, but in the end you are only saving two hundred. Meanwhile, you've been paying the insurance company a hundred dollars a month from your paycheck. So, let's say all of this happened to you a year from now. You'd have already paid the insurance compeny twelve hundred dollars, now you pay them an additional one thousand... provided you happen to have it on you. At this point you've paid them twenty-two hundred dollars, so that they can cover you for twelve hundred for your accident. HARVEY Well that hardly sounds fair. BETH Precisely Harvey. That's why some employees prefer to set aside their own money for emergency use. Does this mean you would like to defer? HARVEY I... I think so. BETH Terrific. Then just sign this form. He signs. BETH Now there is just one form, Harvey. HARVEY That's great, Beth. She gives him another 'look' at the sound of her name. BETH This is the employee contribution fund. HARVEY What's that? BETH There are certain amenities that we provide, such as a coffee machine, donuts on Mondays, plastic silverware in the lunchroom, cups... You see where I'm headed with this? Charles peeks in. CHARLES Oh for God's Sake Harvey! What's your problem? BETH Charles! He makes a face and exits. BETH I am so sorry Harvey. I would never rush you through this. Where were we? Oh yes, employee contribution. To pay for these amenities and any others that may pop up, employees may elect to contribute directly from their paycheck. HARVEY How much is that? BETH Well, that depends on the level of company usage each month. It's on a sliding, variable, scale. HARVEY I don't know... BETH Of course. It's not a requirement. Your job does not depend on it. It's just a form of... team spirit for lack of a better word. It's more for your co-workers than yourself anyway... so I understand. HARVEY I guess it does make sense to do it then. BETH Indeed. It does tell the other employees that you aren't just looking out for yourself. Harvey signs. BETH (very quickly) Well, that's it Harvey. See, painless! Here is your parking pass and elevator key card. Welcome aboard. HARVEY Thanks... Beth. They shake hands and Harvey leaves in a daze. Beth bursts into maniacal laughter. Blackout. THE END"The Assurance of Harvey Treehorn" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"The Assurance of Harvey Treehorn" debuted November 15, 2002, directed by J.J. Hickey, with the following cast:
Beth - Tory Seiter
Harvey Treehorn - Brian Rochlin
Charles - Chris Clarke