"The Fake One" By, Dave Ulrich Lights up. CHRIS and DAVE stand on stage addressing the audience. CHRIS Hi. I'm Chris Clarke. DAVE And I'm Dave Ulrich. CHRIS You may recognize us from other No Shame pieces such as "I'm So Alone," and "Got a Quarter?" DAVE We'd like to apologize for our behavior last week. We realize that feigning fights can be good clean fun... CHRIS But sometimes it's bad for society. Or institutions like No Shame. DAVE We didn't mean any harm, but our failure to comply to procedure may have set a bad example. CHRIS So we'd especially like to apologize to Mr. Shame... can I call you... No? All right. DAVE Nonetheless, we're sorry. So, to make up for it, we're going to punish ourselves. CHRIS And do the fake hack play that Dave wrote for our ruse. DAVE (to Chris) Dude. CHRIS (to Dave) What? DAVE (to Chris) You didn't have to say 'hack.' CHRIS (to Dave) Shutup. You're fucking up the apology. DAVE (to Chris) I'm just saying... CHRIS (to audience) So anyway, here's the fake one. They become TODD and DREW. TODD stands stage right. DREW is stage left. TODD This isn't the first time I've run into trouble with "the code," you know? CHRIS (to Dave) You're gonna do it like that? DAVE (to Chris) Now you're screwing it up. Let's just do it. CHRIS (to Dave) All right. Go ahead. TODD This isn't the first time I've run into trouble with "the code," you know? He flashes CHRIS a look. TODD In fact, I've tried my best but it is always a really strange string of circumstance that drives me right into a mess. Not that I've always been caught. Regardless of that, the guilt is the worst part anyway. DREW I don't want to ask. I don't want to care, really. But I can't help it. And I don't care. Really. Big fucking deal, right? But I do. Care. Or I wouldn't want to ask, right? TODD It was practically a reunion. Some planned for it, others were just coincidence. I'm not a planner so I just got caught in the crossfire. I make it sound like such a dreaded nightmare. It wasn't, I mean, I was into it, actually. This was Drew's thing, is all. DREW So I had to do all of the reunion planning 'cuz Todd didn't really seem into it. He always has to be dragged into everything. Even if it's just going out for drinks or scopin' babes in a dance club, it takes half the night just getting him to agree to it. TODD AJ lives in town, we just never see him, Kate and Danny, too. They're in couple land and we're always bird-doggin'. I'm glad when we find a thing to include them. DREW Brenda was in from Arizona, Mike from New York, Will from Utah -- if you can believe that shit. It just made sense to see how many more we could pull into the thing as it got closer. Pretty soon it was a full-on reunion with me at the helm. And it's not like planning it was going to make me have any more fun at the thing. If anything, being the planner just makes you the fall guy if shit doesn't go down right. Of course Todd just sits back with his hands in the air the whole time, but when it's on - he gets to reap all the benefits of the reunion, with virtually no work. TODD After everything, hardly anyone makes it to the thing. Half are too tired from the trip, or their job, or... whatever. Pretty soon there's just three. Sonofabitch. I was worried about Drew. DREW It was disappointing, you bet. But still, it was great to see Brenda. Even if after all of that it was just Todd and Brenda, at least there was Brenda. And the cool thing is; we were cool. You know? The break up wasn't exactly pretty, but you know, the years... go by... and... well. TODD Brenda was a cool chick. I always thought so. I suppose I had a crush on her. Who didn't? But it wasn't a big deal. It wasn't an option. She was Drew's. I thought it would be hard to see her any other way. Turns out, it wasn't. DREW I was so relieved to be out of that nightmare relationship, but that didn't really mean that I disliked her. Todd never liked her. TODD Probably because I felt guilty for liking her so much, I was kind of not cool to her. Distant, short. You know. Trying to make it impossible for anyone to suspect, or for her to like me. DREW The whole time at this thing, they're doing fine together. We all were. It kind of made up for, you know, the disappointment of the rest. The three of us wound up at a pub, just like old times closing out the place alone. TODD We're in this pub and Brenda's in the middle. We're reminiscing, laughing and drinking -- and out of nowhere, she palms my inner thigh! Just slam, hand there -- and then it starts moving around. DREW Last call comes and I tell them what to get me if she comes around, and I go pee. As I'm sitting there reading and rereading the word "Royal" on the porcelain, I felt really good about this. The three of us reflecting on the old days. The wild days in a crazy time living like we'd be kids forever. I felt like we'd just taken a short vacation. I even remembered back when I thought Brenda was, "The one." And maybe, kind of, why... I once thought that. TODD The moment Drew was out of sight on the way to the john, Brenda's tongue was dancing around my mouth and her hand down my pants. It wasn't a busy bar but there were people -- and her hand's on my cock. Sure, I was freaked out, but at the same time, I'm down with it, right? After a couple of minutes my head clears up and I start to worry about Drew coming back. DREW I'm on my way back and they're fucking going to town. I freeze and then retreat. I didn't know what to fucking do. I take a few deep breaths and walk out again ready to face whatever I have to face. But they are completely back to normal. I start to think I was hallucinating. Until I got back. TODD I did everything I could when Drew got back to act normal. Way normal. I was the master of normal. And Brenda, too. DREW Once I got back it was clear that it had happened. They were weird. Really weird. Suddenly Todd was "blitzed" and Brenda was "tired" and didn't even want to do last fucking call. TODD Brenda was staying at a hotel not far. I was hoping Drew would offer her a ride first since I was already said I was blitzed. But then Brenda said that I already offered when he was in the john. I was afraid that would blow the cover. DREW Then they want Todd to drive her to her hotel even though I'm two blocks closer. TODD Yeah. I don't know what he thought about that. DREW I don't know what happened. And I know I probably shouldn't know. Or shouldn't care. But I do. TODD The whole reason I don't want shit like this to happen is because of these moments. I'm about to go into his apartment and I'm dreading it. My best goddamn friend and I'm dreading coming over. I've got to tell him. But I don't think I can. TODD walks in. They look at each other. They speak simultaneously: TODD I fucked Brenda. DREW You broke the code! They become CHRIS and DAVE again. CHRIS So again... Sorry! DAVE Yeah, sorry. Blackout. THE END"The Fake One" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"The Fake One" debuted December 6, 2002, with the following cast:
CHRIS - Chris Clarke
DAVE - Dave Ulrich
TODD - Dave Ulrich
DREW - Chris Clarke