"The Fake One"
By, Dave Ulrich
Lights up.
CHRIS and DAVE stand on stage addressing the
audience.
CHRIS
Hi. I'm Chris Clarke.
DAVE
And I'm Dave Ulrich.
CHRIS
You may recognize us from other No Shame pieces such as "I'm
So Alone," and "Got a Quarter?"
DAVE
We'd like to apologize for our behavior last week. We realize
that feigning fights can be good clean fun...
CHRIS
But sometimes it's bad for society. Or institutions like No
Shame.
DAVE
We didn't mean any harm, but our failure to comply to
procedure may have set a bad example.
CHRIS
So we'd especially like to apologize to Mr. Shame... can I
call you... No? All right.
DAVE
Nonetheless, we're sorry. So, to make up for it, we're going
to punish ourselves.
CHRIS
And do the fake hack play that Dave wrote for our ruse.
DAVE
(to Chris)
Dude.
CHRIS
(to Dave)
What?
DAVE
(to Chris)
You didn't have to say 'hack.'
CHRIS
(to Dave)
Shutup. You're fucking up the apology.
DAVE
(to Chris)
I'm just saying...
CHRIS
(to audience)
So anyway, here's the fake one.
They become TODD and DREW.
TODD stands stage right.
DREW is stage left.
TODD
This isn't the first time I've run into trouble with "the
code," you know?
CHRIS
(to Dave)
You're gonna do it like that?
DAVE
(to Chris)
Now you're screwing it up. Let's just do it.
CHRIS
(to Dave)
All right. Go ahead.
TODD
This isn't the first time I've run into trouble with "the
code," you know?
He flashes CHRIS a look.
TODD
In fact, I've tried my best but it is always a really strange
string of circumstance that drives me right into a mess. Not
that I've always been caught. Regardless of that, the guilt
is the worst part anyway.
DREW
I don't want to ask. I don't want to care, really. But I
can't help it. And I don't care. Really. Big fucking deal,
right? But I do. Care. Or I wouldn't want to ask, right?
TODD
It was practically a reunion. Some planned for it, others
were just coincidence. I'm not a planner so I just got caught
in the crossfire. I make it sound like such a dreaded
nightmare. It wasn't, I mean, I was into it, actually. This
was Drew's thing, is all.
DREW
So I had to do all of the reunion planning 'cuz Todd didn't
really seem into it. He always has to be dragged into
everything. Even if it's just going out for drinks or scopin'
babes in a dance club, it takes half the night just getting
him to agree to it.
TODD
AJ lives in town, we just never see him, Kate and Danny, too.
They're in couple land and we're always bird-doggin'. I'm
glad when we find a thing to include them.
DREW
Brenda was in from Arizona, Mike from New York, Will from
Utah -- if you can believe that shit. It just made sense to
see how many more we could pull into the thing as it got
closer. Pretty soon it was a full-on reunion with me at the
helm. And it's not like planning it was going to make me have
any more fun at the thing. If anything, being the planner
just makes you the fall guy if shit doesn't go down right. Of
course Todd just sits back with his hands in the air the
whole time, but when it's on - he gets to reap all the
benefits of the reunion, with virtually no work.
TODD
After everything, hardly anyone makes it to the thing. Half
are too tired from the trip, or their job, or... whatever.
Pretty soon there's just three. Sonofabitch. I was worried
about Drew.
DREW
It was disappointing, you bet. But still, it was great to see
Brenda. Even if after all of that it was just Todd and
Brenda, at least there was Brenda. And the cool thing is; we
were cool. You know? The break up wasn't exactly pretty, but
you know, the years... go by... and... well.
TODD
Brenda was a cool chick. I always thought so. I suppose I had
a crush on her. Who didn't? But it wasn't a big deal.
It wasn't an option. She was Drew's. I thought it would be
hard to see her any other way. Turns out, it wasn't.
DREW
I was so relieved to be out of that nightmare relationship,
but that didn't really mean that I disliked her. Todd never
liked her.
TODD
Probably because I felt guilty for liking her so much, I was
kind of not cool to her. Distant, short. You know. Trying to
make it impossible for anyone to suspect, or for her to like
me.
DREW
The whole time at this thing, they're doing fine together. We
all were. It kind of made up for, you know, the
disappointment of the rest. The three of us wound up at a
pub, just like old times closing out the place alone.
TODD
We're in this pub and Brenda's in the middle. We're
reminiscing, laughing and drinking -- and out of nowhere, she
palms my inner thigh! Just slam, hand there -- and then it
starts moving around.
DREW
Last call comes and I tell them what to get me if she comes
around, and I go pee. As I'm sitting there reading and
rereading the word "Royal" on the porcelain, I felt really
good about this. The three of us reflecting on the old days.
The wild days in a crazy time living like we'd be kids
forever. I felt like we'd just taken a short vacation. I even
remembered back when I thought Brenda was, "The one." And
maybe, kind of, why... I once thought that.
TODD
The moment Drew was out of sight on the way to the john,
Brenda's tongue was dancing around my mouth and her hand down
my pants. It wasn't a busy bar but there were people -- and
her hand's on my cock. Sure, I was freaked out, but at the
same time, I'm down with it, right? After a couple of minutes
my head clears up and I start to worry about Drew coming
back.
DREW
I'm on my way back and they're fucking going to town. I
freeze and then retreat. I didn't know what to fucking do. I
take a few deep breaths and walk out again ready to face
whatever I have to face. But they are completely back to
normal. I start to think I was hallucinating. Until I got
back.
TODD
I did everything I could when Drew got back to act normal.
Way normal. I was the master of normal. And Brenda, too.
DREW
Once I got back it was clear that it had happened. They were
weird. Really weird. Suddenly Todd was "blitzed" and Brenda
was "tired" and didn't even want to do last fucking call.
TODD
Brenda was staying at a hotel not far. I was hoping Drew
would offer her a ride first since I was already said I was
blitzed. But then Brenda said that I already offered when he
was in the john. I was afraid that would blow the cover.
DREW
Then they want Todd to drive her to her hotel even though I'm
two blocks closer.
TODD
Yeah. I don't know what he thought about that.
DREW
I don't know what happened. And I know I probably shouldn't
know. Or shouldn't care. But I do.
TODD
The whole reason I don't want shit like this to happen is
because of these moments. I'm about to go into his apartment
and I'm dreading it. My best goddamn friend and I'm dreading
coming over. I've got to tell him. But I don't think I can.
TODD walks in. They look at each other. They
speak simultaneously:
TODD
I fucked Brenda.
DREW
You broke the code!
They become CHRIS and DAVE again.
CHRIS
So again... Sorry!
DAVE
Yeah, sorry.
Blackout.
THE END
"The Fake One"
IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE
DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED
WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"The Fake One" debuted December 6, 2002, with the following cast:
CHRIS - Chris Clarke
DAVE - Dave Ulrich
TODD - Dave Ulrich
DREW - Chris Clarke
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