"Playing Cards" By, Dave Ulrich Lights up. Two MEN sit in chairs slightly to one side of the stage. GEORGE walks to center stage. He addresses them. GEORGE Uh, hi. I just come down here to talk to you about some matters of business, that is important. He sort of bows at the knees for them. GEORGE Ya'll is mighty gracious for allowing me this opportunity. It is with great humbility that I stand here before... ye. An awkward beat. There is a sort of sigh of exhausted frustration as the two look at him. KENNEDY is upper class American and CHAMBERLAIN is upper class British. KENNEDY George, we excuse your tiresome introduction as this is your first visit to our hall. You may simply address us as Lord Kennedy, Lord Chamberlain, or "your Lordships" if you wish to demonstrate your reverence. Let us clarify the structure of our secret meetings. CHAMBERLAIN Although our work here is of an enormous scale that crosses physical borders and boundaries of thought... KENNEDY (interjecting) ... and debate... CHAMBERLAIN ... unfathomable to the common man, we do not expect formality, merely respect. GEORGE Sorry. I wasn't warned. That is, I didn't get no warning of what it was like down here before I come. KENNEDY It's quite all right, George. We are pleased that you've come. In fact, we were soon to send for you. CHAMBERLAIN Of course, your unprovoked arrival indicates that you have a question for us, before we discuss our matters with you. You may proceed. GEORGE Right. Well, it has been brought to my attention that I have certain cards that I may play. When there are certain things I need done that can only be done through forces greater... I've been told that ya'll help me out. CHAMBERLAIN We can only guess that you've finally had audience with Dick. It is not surprising that he sent you here unprepared. KENNEDY For his own amusement, I do not doubt. GEORGE I don't know what yer getting at, Dick's my friend. But, yes, it was him's said I'd have to talk to you before I can go any further than I done. KENNEDY In his way, he did tell you the truth. GEORGE So what I need -- is to play one of them Global Demarcation Cards. I know we ain't used one in along time, but ya'll seen the mess going on over there, and it just don't look like it's gonna get no better. My team's been thinking maybe we can just remove the evil-doers from the map. Readjucate the borders. CHAMBERLAIN Readjucate? GEORGE I'm sorry... what? KENNEDY George. We've heard enough. Now let us take the opportunity to explain some things. Lord Chamberlain, would you begin? CHAMBERLAIN Our order is comprised of wealth and privilege simply because it predominately indicates strong education, coupled with a wider world view and it's possibilities. KENNEDY Weak minds of strong education often fail to recognize the cruel realities that someone of wealth easily can. Those of privilege develop a certain callousness when their only want, is to not become something beneath them. CHAMBERLAIN This makes good politics, and ruthless economics. However, there is a grave risk... KENNEDY Long-running lineage of this sort can result in occasional offspring born and raised with a myopic view. In fact, it can oftentimes be spread through an entire generation of a family... CHAMBERLAIN ... Witness Mother England's royal line. GEORGE This is very inneresting, gentlemen. But I think we're getting a bit off topic here. You see, the evil-doers have... CHAMBERLAIN George! You have said what you have come to say. You are not in a position to ask us anything. I recommend that you listen intently, to us now. KENNEDY You may or may not know that we are well acquainted with your father. In fact, it is through his efforts, and the efforts of Dick, that we have continued this slavery to oil -- foreign and domestic --despite a wealth of alternatives to all modern energy sources. CHAMBERLAIN We did so in order to continue our reign and the imbalance of powers. We granted tremendous wealth and power to your family in exchange for the execution of our directives. GEORGE That was a kindness that I'm sure you've been thanked for many times. I don't understand what this has to do... KENNEDY The hurdles your father presented us with have not been easy, George. We have battled off solar power, destroyed electric cars, caused delays in hybrids, prevented SUV regulation, over-priced and under-produced synthetic oils -- all the while tending to other matters... CHAMBERLAIN For heaven's sake George! We've produced wars, recessions, an impeachment, cover-ups in the highest levels of office -- KENNEDY Oliver Norths don't grow on trees George. They can't be bred. GEORGE I still don't... KENNEDY You father used all of his cards -- and a hundred more. You have nothing left to play. CHAMBERLAIN In fact, it is we, who are to play you. GEORGE How do you perport to do that? CHAMBERLAIN (sighs) We haven't any need to negotiate, it is owed to us. KENNEDY And your father knows this. He promised that all of his children would be groomed to rule beneath us. You, your children, your brother, your brother's children and so on. CHAMBERLAIN We had no idea, however, that we had been cheated. GEORGE Cheated? My Daddy would never cheat... KENNEDY His preoccupations and responsibilities left him too busy to raise legitimate rulers... or even responsible citizens. CHAMBERLAIN We've been left with nothing but buffoons and cheap tarts who cannot stay out of jail. Now it is we who are to be burdened with transforming this sad assemblage into the pawns of power that we were promised. KENNEDY George, we must now take control of what is rightfully ours. You have proven yourself an adequate monkey, but now you must be trained to be our monkey. CHAMBERLAIN It you would please take a chair, we shall call for the surgeon. (calling off) Dr Mengela! GEORGE But I... You... I can't believe... CHAMBERLAIN What is it you're saying George? (calling off) Would you send in Dr. Mengela! Now, dammit! GEORGE I... George runs off stage panicked. GEORGE Daddy! After a beat, Dick steps out from offstage. The three of them burst into laughter. DICK (still laughing) Oh my, boys. That was good, good stuff. Holy cow. KENNEDY (without an accent) Did you see the look on his face, Dick? CHAMBERLAIN (without an accent) Jesus Dick. Seems too easy, you know? DICK Yeah, kind of sad, isn't it? (a contemplative beat) But fun though, right? CHAMBERLAIN Well yeah! KENNEDY Damn straight! They laugh some more. Blackout. THE END"Playing Cards" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"Playing Cards" debuted December 13, 2002, directed by J.J. Hickey, with the following cast:
GEORGE - Dave Ulrich
KENNEDY - Chris Clarke
CHAMBERLAIN - Eric Johnson
DICK - Scott McGee