copyright © 2003 Dave Ulrich

            "The Call Button of Harvey Treehorn"
            By, Dave Ulrich
            Copyright ©2003 Dave Ulrich

                                        Lights up to 3/4.

                                        HARVEY is lying diagonal on the floor center
                                        stage on his back. In his hand is a Pez dispenser.

                                        When he wakes, he realizes that he is lying on the
                                        hard ground. He starts to attempt to sit up, but
                                        gets overwhelmed with pain and howls out in
                                        agony.

                                        He raises his hand and presses his thumb on the
                                        top of the Pez dispenser. 

                                        After a beat of HARVEY continuing to lie on his
                                        back, FLORENCE enters.

                                        Lights to full.

                                   FLORENCE
            May I help you?

                                   HARVEY
                          (straining from pain)
            I do hope so. Nurse, I appear to have fallen from my bed or
            something. It actually feels like I'm lying on concrete or...

                                   FLORENCE
            Oh, indeed you are. And I am no nurse.

                                   HARVEY
                          (still in pain)
            I'm sorry. I hear what you're saying, but both of those
            things seem kind of... wrong, I guess. Am I delirious?

                                   FLORENCE
            Perhaps. Maybe this will help.

                                        FLORENCE kisses HARVEY's forehead.

                                        He smiles blissfully.

                                   HARVEY
                          (quite calm)
            Oh. That was nice.
                          (beat)
            You're... you're not a nurse?

                                   FLORENCE
            No, I am not.

                                   HARVEY
            But didn't I crash?... I thought that... I remember... Am I
            dead?

                                   FLORENCE
            Oh no, Harvey. You are quite alive. However, you are rather
            damaged, my sweet man.

                                   HARVEY
            Will I be okay?

                                   FLORENCE
            I do hope so.

                                   HARVEY
            Well, what did the doctor say?

                                   FLORENCE
            That's not important, Harvey.

                                   HARVEY
            Well, why am I not in bed? Where am I?

                                   FLORENCE
            Oh, my dear, sweet man. You are on the sidewalk, of course.

                                   HARVEY
            But I was... I thought I was in the hospital.

                                   FLORENCE
            You were.

                                   HARVEY
            Why am I here now?

                                   FLORENCE
            Oh Harvey. My lovely man. You don't have insurance!

                                   HARVEY
            So they put me out on the... I've... But I have a call
            button!

                                        He holds it out and pushes repeatedly with his
                                        thumb.

                                   FLORENCE
            Harvey. That's a Pez dispenser. It's for comfort. It's
            psychological.

                                        A beat as this lands on him.

                                   HARVEY
            But I have a nurse. I have you.

                                   FLORENCE
            Oh, I'm no nurse.
                          (pause)
            Why don't you have insurance, Harvey?

                                   HARVEY
            I lost my job. Who are you?

                                   FLORENCE
            I'm Florence.

                                   HARVEY
                          (unimpressed)
            Okay.

                                   FLORENCE
            I am the fairy godmother of the uninsured.

                                   HARVEY
            You are?

                                   FLORENCE
            Oh yes, my dear, sweet, beautiful man. Now, just relax.

                                        He strokes Harvey's hair lovingly.

                                        HARVEY calms immediately.

                                   HARVEY
                          (dream-like pleasure)
            You are so nice to me Florence.

                                   FLORENCE
            It's why I'm here.

                                   HARVEY
            So very nice... Please don't ever leave me. Say you won't
            ever leave.

                                   FLORENCE
            Oh, but I have to.

                                   HARVEY
            Why?

                                   FLORENCE
            It's very complicated.

                                   HARVEY
            It's okay. I want you to tell me. Tell me everything. Like a
            lullaby. I love your voice... it's so... soothing. You're
            very pretty, too, you know.

                                   FLORENCE
            I know all of that Harvey, it's a job requirement.
                          (a beat)
            Why don't you have insurance Harvey?

                                   HARVEY
            I told you. I lost my job.

                                   FLORENCE
                          (scolding)
            Harvey. You've never had insurance.

                                   HARVEY
            I... I just couldn't understand why I should pay for
            something I may never use.

                                   FLORENCE
            But what if you do need to use it?

                                   HARVEY
            Then I'll use my savings.

                                   FLORENCE
            Do you have savings, Harvey?

                                   HARVEY
            Not yet, but as soon as I have a salary that...

                                   FLORENCE
            ... shhhhh. Relax.

                                        FLORENCE bends him upright and he takes a
                                        sitting position devoid of pain.

                                   FLORENCE
            How do you feel?

                                   HARVEY
            Just fine. I feel fine. No -- I feel great. Maybe better than
            ever.

                                   FLORENCE
            Please understand Harvey, this is only temporary until I have
            to go.

                                   HARVEY
            I wish you wouldn't.

                                   FLORENCE
            Oh, but I must, my sweet, sweet Harvey.

                                   HARVEY
            Tell me why.

                                   FLORENCE
            Are you sure you want that? It's quite complicated.

                                   HARVEY
            Yes. Please.

                                        FLORENCE sighs and kisses his forehead. He
                                        stands faces the audience and begins:

                                   FLORENCE
            As you know Harvey, nothing in this world is simple anymore.
            There is only more right and less right, but the difference
            is often too slight for the human eye or the human heart to
            comprehend. Are you still with me Harvey?

                                   HARVEY
            Yes... I think.

                                   FLORENCE
            Almost every other industrialized country on this planet
            offers free health care to all of its citizens; all but
            yours. However, when an important medical procedure is to be
            performed, where do others come?

                                   HARVEY
            Here?

                                   FLORENCE
            That's right. Because although this country's capitalism is
            structured to reward brutal business practice, the benefits
            that society receives -- in technology and skill -- help to
            compensate for the undoing of its ethics. Do you understand?

                                   HARVEY
            I think so...
                          (dreamily)
            ... because the greater our skill and prowess the higher we
            can climb. Therefore, we strive to go further?

                                        FLORENCE crouches down and speaks sweetly.

                                   FLORENCE
            That's right Harvey. If we compensate doctors on an infinite
            scale, they are more prone to rise above competition. So when
            you need a major surgery, you can trust you are in the best
            of hands.

                                   HARVEY
            But won't prices reach the point where only the privileged
            can afford such surgeries?

                                   FLORENCE
            The privileged drive society, and the meek merely watch. One
            must ask themselves, are the two of equal value?

                                   HARVEY
            That's seems cruel.

                                   FLORENCE
            Shhhh. It's okay Harvey.

                                        He kisses the top of HARVEY's head.

                                   FLORENCE
            Just relax. That, dear Harvey, is why we have insurance. To
            counteract the inflated but very necessary economics.

                                   HARVEY
            But am I so unimportant?... just because I'm not wealthy?

                                   FLORENCE
            I came to you, didn't I?

                                   HARVEY
            But you won't stay.

                                   FLORENCE
            Harvey, the budget only allows for two hundred and sixty
            seven of us. Most of the uninsured won't have anyone come at
            all. You should appreciate the things you do have.

                                   HARVEY
            Like my health?

                                   FLORENCE
            Oh, Harvey.
                          (with a warm smile)
            You were the hardest one today. I'm sorry I must leave you. I
            truly am. Now good day.

                                        He lowers HARVEY back onto the ground.

                                   HARVEY
            No Florence, don't...

                                        He touches HARVEY's head once more and exits.

                                        Lights back to 3/4.

                                        HARVEY lies there for a moment. He starts to
                                        convulse a little and stiffly. He moans in pain.

                                        TWO PEDESTRIANS walk by and hesitate in front
                                        of HARVEY. PEDESTRIAN #1 tosses a quarter at
                                        him.

                                   PEDESTRIAN #1
            Is that a... he's got a Pez dispenser!?!

                                   PEDESTRIAN #2
            How cute.
                          (a beat)
            I mean sad.
                          (a beat)
            Come on.

                                        PEDESTRIAN #2 rushes off dragging
                                        PEDESTRIAN #1 with them.

                                        Blackout.
            THE END
"The Call Button Of Harvey Treehorn" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

"The Call Button Of Harvey Treehorn" debuted January 10, 2003 directed by Amy Lynn Pigott with the following cast:
HARVEY - Christopher Clarke
FLORENCE - Eric Johnson
PEDESTRIAN #1 - Tory Seiter
PEDESTRIAN #2 - Jeff Goode

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