"CONDOR" By, Dave Ulrich Lights up. Over the ledge facing the house BRAD is looking through the scope of a sniper rifle at a downward angle as if on top of a building. MASON is upstage eating a sandwich. The walkie-talkie crackles and MASON reacts to it. BRAD just barely turns his head away to see if MASON is going to take care of it. UNIT COMMANDER (OS) (through walkie-talkie) This is Unit Commander. Team Hollywood. Do you copy? Over. BRAD Mason. Copy that. MASON picks up the walkie-talkie. He looks at it for a second, then turns to BRAD. MASON Unit Commander, this is Team Hollywood. (releases walkie-talkie button) I just say "We copy." Right? BRAD Yes. MASON hits the button. MASON Copy that. I mean, we copy -- Fuck. (releases the button) Shit. (presses the button) Over. UNIT COMMANDER (OS) (through walkie-talkie) Hollywood, the CARIBOU has landed, and we have ICE in the gutter. The PELICAN is in en route to your A-O. November Sierra Tango. Over. MASON looks at BRAD, but BRAD is offering no help. MASON hits the button with a pained look on his face and says: MASON Condor. BRAD turns and hangs for a moment. BRAD Condor? MASON I don't know. Look, if they're going make shit up, I'm gonna make shit up. BRAD They aren't making shit up. Those are directives. MASON How am I supposed to know the codes? They didn't give them in the briefing. I thought Gary was just being gay. BRAD Jesus, Mason. The manual. MASON pulls a document from his back pocket. It unfolds to a large booklet that reads "HOMELAND SECURITY SNIPER UNIT - CODE MANUAL. TOP SECRET." There is a blue dot in the lower right hand corner. MASON What should I look up? What did he say? BRAD I heard 'CARIBOU,' Check out 'CARIBOU.' MASON flips through the pages. MASON Nope. Not in here. BRAD Dude, there's a blue dot. Blue dot is Tuesday. It's Thursday. Thursday is orange dot. You brought Tuesday, dumb ass. MASON I can't keep up with all this shit? Gimme yours. BRAD Shut up. MASON You call me dumb ass and you didn't bring one at all? BRAD Shut up. MASON I got it. Check this out. 'PELICAN' is obviously 'President.' So 'CARIBOU' is probably 'chopper.' BRAD turns his head slightly toward MASON. A red laser scope light appears on MASON's forehead. He senses it. MASON Ah man, fuck off. (beat) Brad. BRAD looks through the scope at a level angle. BRAD It's fuckin' Gordon and Westley again. MASON flips them the bird. MASON Assholes! The laser light goes out. BRAD goes back to his downward angle scope. MASON goes back to his sandwich. Out of nowhere BRAD chuckles sardonically. BRAD Condor. MASON Shut up. 'CARIBOU' and 'chopper' both begin with 'c.' BRAD So? MASON As does 'condor.' BRAD I have no response to that. Walkie-talkie crackles. UNIT COMMANDER (OS) (through walkie-talkie) Team Hollywood this is Unit Commander. Tactical units are standing by. Can you confirm 'CONDOR?' I need confirmation. Are we a go on "CONDOR?" Over. BRAD and MASON freeze for a moment. BRAD Jesus! MASON (whispering) Don't answer it. BRAD (whispering) We gotta answer it. MASON grabs the walkie-talkie. MASON No go on 'CARIBOU!' Cannot confirm. BRAD Whoa! MASON 'Condor!' Repeat: No go on 'condor!' (beat) Over. UNIT COMMANDER Roger that, Hollywood. (beat) The PELICAN is secure, all units stand down. That's a wrap, Hollywood. I repeat, that's a wrap. Over. Silence. BRAD Close one. They are both awash with relief. After a beat, the red laser light reappears on MASON's chest. Without turning, they both flip the bird to Gordon and Westley again. Blackout. THE END"Condor" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"Condor" debuted February 7, 2003, with the following cast:
Chris Clarke, Dave Ulrich, Eric JohnsonPerformed at Best of No Shame (Los Angeles) March 27th-April 5th, 2003, with the following cast:
MASON - Chris Clarke
BRAD - Dave Ulrich
UNIT COMMANDER - Eric Johnson (March 27th-29th) / Knighty (April 4th & 5th)