copyright © 2003 Dave Ulrich

            "CONDOR"
            By, Dave Ulrich

                                        Lights up.

                                        Over the ledge facing the house BRAD is looking
                                        through the scope of a sniper rifle at a downward
                                        angle as if on top of a building.

                                        MASON is upstage eating a sandwich.

                                        The walkie-talkie crackles and MASON reacts to
                                        it. BRAD just barely turns his head away to see if
                                        MASON is going to take care of it.

                                   UNIT COMMANDER (OS)
                          (through walkie-talkie)
            This is Unit Commander. Team Hollywood. Do you copy? Over.

                                   BRAD
            Mason. Copy that.

                                        MASON picks up the walkie-talkie. He looks at it
                                        for a second, then turns to BRAD.

                                   MASON
            Unit Commander, this is Team Hollywood.
                          (releases walkie-talkie button)
            I just say "We copy." Right?

                                   BRAD
            Yes.

                                        MASON hits the button.

                                   MASON
            Copy that. I mean, we copy -- Fuck.
                          (releases the button)
            Shit.
                          (presses the button)
            Over.

                                   UNIT COMMANDER (OS)
                          (through walkie-talkie)
            Hollywood, the CARIBOU has landed, and we have ICE in the
            gutter. The PELICAN is in en route to your A-O. November
            Sierra Tango. Over.

                                        MASON looks at BRAD, but BRAD is offering no
                                        help. MASON hits the button with a pained look on
                                        his face and says:

                                   MASON
            Condor.

                                        BRAD turns and hangs for a moment.

                                   BRAD
            Condor?

                                   MASON
            I don't know. Look, if they're going make shit up, I'm gonna
            make shit up.

                                   BRAD
            They aren't making shit up. Those are directives.

                                   MASON
            How am I supposed to know the codes? They didn't give them in
            the briefing. I thought Gary was just being gay.

                                   BRAD
            Jesus, Mason. The manual.

                                        MASON pulls a document from his back pocket. It
                                        unfolds to a large booklet that reads
                                        "HOMELAND SECURITY SNIPER UNIT -
                                        CODE MANUAL. TOP SECRET." There is a blue
                                        dot in the lower right hand corner.

                                   MASON
            What should I look up? What did he say?

                                   BRAD
            I heard 'CARIBOU,' Check out 'CARIBOU.'

                                        MASON flips through the pages.

                                   MASON
            Nope. Not in here.

                                   BRAD
            Dude, there's a blue dot. Blue dot is Tuesday. It's Thursday.
            Thursday is orange dot. You brought Tuesday, dumb ass.

                                   MASON
            I can't keep up with all this shit? Gimme yours.

                                   BRAD
            Shut up.

                                   MASON
            You call me dumb ass and you didn't bring one at all?

                                   BRAD
            Shut up.

                                   MASON
            I got it. Check this out. 'PELICAN' is obviously 'President.'
            So 'CARIBOU' is probably 'chopper.'

                                        BRAD turns his head slightly toward MASON.

                                        A red laser scope light appears on MASON's
                                        forehead. He senses it.

                                   MASON
            Ah man, fuck off.
                          (beat)
            Brad.

                                        BRAD looks through the scope at a level angle.

                                   BRAD
            It's fuckin' Gordon and Westley again.

                                        MASON flips them the bird.

                                   MASON
            Assholes!

                                        The laser light goes out.

                                        BRAD goes back to his downward angle scope.

                                        MASON goes back to his sandwich.

                                        Out of nowhere BRAD chuckles sardonically.

                                   BRAD
            Condor.

                                   MASON
            Shut up. 'CARIBOU' and 'chopper' both begin with 'c.'

                                   BRAD
            So?

                                   MASON
            As does 'condor.'

                                   BRAD
            I have no response to that.

                                        Walkie-talkie crackles.

                                   UNIT COMMANDER (OS)
                          (through walkie-talkie)
            Team Hollywood this is Unit Commander.
            Tactical units are standing by. Can you confirm 'CONDOR?' I
            need confirmation. Are we a go on "CONDOR?" Over.

                                        BRAD and MASON freeze for a moment.

                                   BRAD
            Jesus!

                                   MASON
                          (whispering)
            Don't answer it.

                                   BRAD
                          (whispering)
            We gotta answer it.

                                        MASON grabs the walkie-talkie.

                                   MASON
            No go on 'CARIBOU!' Cannot confirm.

                                   BRAD
            Whoa!

                                   MASON
            'Condor!' Repeat: No go on 'condor!'
                          (beat)
            Over.

                                   UNIT COMMANDER
            Roger that, Hollywood.
                          (beat)
            The PELICAN is secure, all units stand down. That's a wrap,
            Hollywood. I repeat, that's a wrap. Over.

                                        Silence.

                                   BRAD
            Close one.

                                        They are both awash with relief. After a beat, the
                                        red laser light reappears on MASON's chest.
                                        Without turning, they both flip the bird to Gordon
                                        and Westley again.

                                        Blackout.
            THE END
"Condor" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

"Condor" debuted February 7, 2003, with the following cast:
Chris Clarke, Dave Ulrich, Eric Johnson

Performed at Best of No Shame (Los Angeles) March 27th-April 5th, 2003, with the following cast:

MASON - Chris Clarke
BRAD - Dave Ulrich
UNIT COMMANDER - Eric Johnson (March 27th-29th) / Knighty (April 4th & 5th)

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