"If I Had The Audience" 
            By, Dave Ulrich

                                        Lights up.

                                        GUY VILLEVILLE is sitting next to HARVEY
                                        TREEHORN in side-by-side chairs, upstage right
                                        facing stage left.

                                        GUY makes a note on a pad of paper and stands.
                                        He nods to an invisible judge (stage left) then turns
                                        and faces the jury/audience (downstage).

                                        HARVEY remains upstage.

                                   GUY
            You've heard the prosecution. Well, heck, I'd say you've even
            seen the prosecution. Jumping up and down. Hemmm'ing and
            hawww'ing. Gosh dingly dang -- they were downright hopping
            mad! Wouldn't you say?
                          (he smiles with charm)
            The problem that has presented itself, and I'm sure each and
            every one of you saw it... was the adamant fervor with which
            everyone -- and I do mean everyone -- seemed to believe my
            client, Mr. Treehorn; was guilty. There was no time for
            facts, for certainty, someone needed to pay -- and my client
            was most definitely convenient. I'm sure we can all agree on
            that: the convenience of Harvey Treehorn.
                          (tosses up his hands)
            Oh, we heard all about it. Disturbing the peace, conspiracy,
            treason and countless lesser charges. Hundreds of witnesses,
            etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. But what baffles me, is that my
            client's behavior should not have constituted any crime at
            all -- certainly not one that he has been adequately
            connected to. Indeed, he was assumed guilty before this trial
            even started -- through the periscope of the television, the
            radio and blurbs in the local rag attacking his character and
            forcing critical judgement.
                          (coming forward)
            So what? My client is unemployed. He is uninsured and
            recently disabled. He has chased dreams that have left him
            unqualified for adulthood. Does that make him deserve this
            hotbed of criticism? We know what he does. You've seen the
            picture...
                          (produces a headshot from the
                           table in front of Harvey)
            He's an actor. Yes. Yes, he is. Go ahead, scrunch up your
            faces, make disapproving sounds. We all do. I do. Look
            closely. Do you see the naivete? He simply doesn't realize
            that the theatre has gone the way of the buffalo... People
            still play shuffleboard, drink Tab, listen to Three Dog
            Night. They do, and they can still exist in society -- just
            as Harvey can. But I propose this:
                          (walking to Harvey and handing
                           him the headshot)
            Harvey here, as an actor, must stay sharp on his own -- as he
            cannot have work just because he wants work. So, let's just
            suppose that what he said was true. What if he really was
            practicing a monologue. Why not? He had an audience. Do you
            have any idea how hard it is to get an audience in this town?
            Do you?
                          (he twirls around, when he
                           comes back:)
            "Ingratitude, more strong than Traitors arms, quite
            vanquished him: then burst his Mighty heart." Harvey had an
            audience. For what? He did not know. He performed anyway. It
            is, after all, his self-professed calling. Must we lay blame
            upon the ignobly ignorant, when their intentions are noble?
                          (he shrugs)
            You tell me. If I had an audience, I'd probably end up naked.
            That is my natural instinct. Would I have to go to jail for
            this? I should think not. What would you do, with an
            audience? Let's ponder that for a moment.
                          (takes a long beat)
            Well Harvey here recites lines from plays. Strange in this
            day, but it is his way. Does that make him responsible for
            the riot that ensued? I think not. Well, pardon my finger
            wagging --
                          (he wags his finger at them)
            -- but it is more than just one life in your hands. It is for
            stages across the globe that I ask you to release Harvey
            Treehorn. Let him back into his wilderness of denial. For all
            of the Peter Pans and Pipi Longstockings who long to
            entertain us.
                          (he freezes as if he has
                           something else to say.. Then
                           abruptly)
            That is all.
                          (stops)
            But before I go, ask yourself... "What would I do, if I had
            the audience?"

                                        BLACKOUT.
            THE END

"If I Had The Audience" debuted at No Shame Theater (Los Angeles) May 2, 2003,

GUY VILLEVILLE - Christopher Clarke
HARVEY TREEHORN - Michael Rothschild

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