"Poor Little Fuckers" 
            By, Dave Ulrich

                                        LIGHTS UP.

                                        TEE bounds in from the center aisle.

                                        JENNI is stage right holding a lollipop and looking
                                        annoyed.

                                        WENDY is near her but somewhat upstage holding
                                        an empty box.

                                        This is all chaotically fast.

                                   TEE
            Right okay, Jenni, suck the lollipop like it's better than
            the best one you've ever had. No smart ass cock-mastering,
            either, goddammit. If it's read sexual, I want it to be the
            audience's own perversion -- not what we played. Wendy: pay
            attention. And remember, when we get the plant, it will be
            this tall --
                          (indicates with his hands)
            So if you hold it there, we can't see your face. And Frank: I
            love you, but what the fuck? We tech tomorrow, so this is it.

                                   FRANK
            Well, you can't give me twenty-five changes for one speech in
            one shot and think I'm going to...

                                   TEE
            Okay, I'm going to repeat myself.
                          (to the house)
            Tommy, note that I'm repeating myself.
                          (to the three on stage)
            We -- tech -- tomorrow.

                                   WENDY
                          (confidentially to Jenni)
            After three weeks I think we can do this sleeping.

                                   TEE
            Frank. Tell me sincerely, do you know what you're doing?

                                        FRANK nods.

                                   TEE (CONT'D)
            We could go back to table work if you want. But I think I'd
            have a heart attack because we tech to-mor-row.

                                   FRANK
                          (agitated)
            All right Tee, can we just do it again?

                                   TEE
            Okay. Let's go. Ladies, remember what you're doing -- just
            because you're not speaking doesn't mean you're not watched.

                                   JENNI
            We know, Tee.

                                   TEE
            Then let's see it this time.

                                        TEE bounds back down the aisle into the house and
                                        spins around, folds his arms, and watches the stage.
                                        Without turning:

                                   TEE
            Tommy, shout "Lights up," whenever you're ready.

                                   TOMMY
            Lights up.

                                   FRANK
                          (a beat)
            Little Johnny was eleven when his ma died, I just 'bout took
            him in myself. When his Gram came down...

                                   TEE
                          (shouting)
            His who? I lost it.
                          (beat)
            Keep going.

                                   FRANK
                          (louder)
            When his Gram came down, I was almost a little sad, you know?
            Here's this little guy gonna need to learn the street. Gonna
            need to survive and his Gram...

                                   TEE
            All right, let's stop there.

                                   JENNI
            Why?

                                   TEE
            About ten beats went by and you hit about one and a half.

                                   WENDY
            Ten beats? It was, like, three sentences...

                                   TEE
                          (returning to the stage)
            Three sentences that weren't filled.

                                   FRANK
                          (with sarcasm)
            Then maybe I don't know what I'm fucking doing. What do you
            want, Tee? How can I make this work for you?

                                   TEE
            Why's it so hard Frank? He's a brash bastard telling some
            poor little fucker story. Turns out he's got a heart.

                                   FRANK
            If it's that simple, where are all these beats coming from?

                                   TEE
            Well, it should be from here, Frank.

                                        He clutches his heart.

                                   FRANK
            Are you kidding me?

                                   TEE
            Do you have a problem with the play?

                                   FRANK
            It's not a play, Tee. It's three minutes long. When it's
            three minutes, it's a fucking piece.

                                   TEE
            If you treat it like that you are disrespecting the work.

                                   FRANK
            The work? It's a three minute piece -- that you wrote.

                                   TEE
            If you can't handle it Frank, I'll have Jenni do it and I'll
            suck the cock.

                                   JENNI
            Lollipop.

                                   TEE
            Stay out of this!

                                   WENDY
            Don't yell at her.

                                   TOMMY
                          (from offstage)
            And... scene.

                                        TOMMY bounds on to the stage.

                                   TOMMY (CONT'D)
            That was good.
                          (to WENDY)
            Gina, remember, if you're being told to keep the box lower
            because the plant will be tall, you need to hold it high.
                          (to FRANK)
            Ben: louder, faster, angrier.
                          (to JENNI)
            Sara: You should cock master it. You're pissed -- be a smart
            ass.
                          (to TEE)
            And Cecil, that was perfect.

                                   WENDY
            And -- scene. Okay.
                          (to TEE)
            Dick, don't forget to move toward Michelle to take the
            lollipop...
                          (to TOMMY)
            That was good, Bill, but wait a little longer before you come
            in.

                                   TOMMY
            A Merchant Ivory pause or a 2001 pause?

                                   WENDY
            Bergman.

                                   TOMMY
            I don't know who that is.

                                        LIGHTS BEGIN FADING OUT.

                                   JENNI
            And -- scene. Okay, the play within the play within the play
            within the play could be clearer, but overall...

                                   FRANK
            The lights are fading out, and --

                                   ALL
            Scene.

                                        BLACKOUT.
            THE END

"Poor Little Fuckers" debuted at No Shame Theater (Los Angeles) June 06, 2003, directed by J.J. Hickey, with the following cast:

TEE - Christopher Clarke
FRANK - Anthony Backman
WENDY - Dave Berman
JENNI - Amy Lynn Pigott
TOMMY - Aaron Cain

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