The Imminent Threat of an American Christmas

"The Imminent Threat of an American Christmas"
By, Dave Ulrich

LIGHTS UP.

Creepy Christmas music plays softly.

Note: Each character's part of the stage is its own
world.

A POLICE CHIEF stands behind a podium.

POLICE CHIEF
All right, let's recap Operation: Christmas...

From the audience OFFICER COHEN has raised
his hand.

POLICE CHIEF (CONT'D)
Cohen.

OFFICER COHEN
Sir, I believe the brief assured us the official name would
be Operation: Holidays.

POLICE CHIEF
Cohen?

OFFICER COHEN
Sir?

POLICE CHIEF
Are you a God-fearing American, or a goddamned backasswards
Commie Liberal?

OFFICER COHEN
American, sir.

POLICE CHIEF
Would you like us to wait while you reread the brief or would
you care to shut the pumpkin piehole?

Two SPEECH WRITERS are intermittently pacing
about on the other side of the stage. JERRY holds a
notepad. They seemed rushed.

TOM
Let me see the brief again.

JERRY
Tom, you've looked at it at least a hundred times and that's
not getting us any further.

TOM
But it's absurd!

JERRY
It's the assignment.
(beat)
So, we start with vague specifics about the "progress" we're
making over there -- focus, focus, focus on Saddam, and dodge
anything domestic, until...

TOM
Do we have the list of words he can't handle?

JERRY
It's on the laptop, we'll deal with it when we get to the
specifics. You're just avoiding the framework of the speech.
We've collaborated over twenty times, stick to procedure.

TOM
But come on. It's crazy -- the shit they make up. Can we
really get away with it?

A TEACHER appears center occasionally motioning
toward invisible words on an invisible chalkboard.

MISS ROSE
That's a very good question, Megan. But no, Santa doesn't fly
in a sleigh to avoid being robbed by greedy Jews on the
ground. And since you are eight years old, I think it would
be a very good idea for you to tell me who told you that.

TWO GUYS are passing each other on the street and
realize who each other is.

CLIFF
Dennis!

DENNIS
'Sup? Did you have your phone off Saturday?

CLIFF
Yeah. I was at the movies with Madison and forgot. So what's
the deal with the Vegas trip after Christmas?

DENNIS
Yeah. I don't know. I'm going to my dad's Christmas Eve, and
then Carol's mom's Christmas morning. Christmas brunch we're
going to her ex-husband's 'cuz he's got the kids, and then
Christmas night at my step mom's. Early the twenty-sixth with
my daughter at my first wife's.

CLIFF
Gotcha.

DENNIS
Then I'm flying to San Francisco to see my boys for the day,
and then down to San Diego to see my mom -- and stepdad.

CLIFF
Right, right.

DENNIS
When I get back, private time with Carol 'cuz you know how
she gets to crying after all of the family crap dredged up
over the holidays.

CLIFF
Of course.

DENNIS
But I should be clear by the night of the twenty-eighth for a
day -- then back to work!

MISS ROSE in the classroom.

MISS ROSE
No, it's not a sweatshop, Donnie. Your daddy just didn't know
the elves volunteer to help Santa. Time is more precious than
money in the North Pole.

The GUYS on the street.

CLIFF
We might be fucked for scheduling then. I've got Sarah on the
twenty-eighth and I promised her I'd take her to see her
brother who's staying with my second wife.

DENNIS
Ah.

CLIFF
But I can't move that up because I've got to see my twins
Christmas day, plus I haven't seen Gail's dad since the
engagement two years ago, so I've got to get out to see her
uncle the 26th and then her other dad on the 27th.

DENNIS
Her uncle?

CLIFF
Yeah, he raised her while her mom was in the klink.

DENNIS
She was in the klink?

CLIFF
Well, mental, not a real one.

Back to class.

MISS ROSE
Class, Kwanzaa is a real holiday. Saying that it's not would
probably hurt some people.

The police station.

POLICE CHIEF
The sting. As you can see, the Area of Operation is indicated
by the green and red dots on your town map. All speed limits
have been reduced and all street parking has been changed to
temporary tow zones surrounding each major shopping area.

OFFICER COHEN's hand goes up.

POLICE CHIEF
Now, if I don't see ticket totals double within the week I
will not only be forced to write up each individual, but the
three lowest totals will suffer a two week suspension without
pay.

OFFICER COHEN's hand goes down.

The speech writers.

TOM
I seriously don't think you can do that, Jerry.

JERRY
Hey, you're the guy that's looked at the brief a hundred
times. We're told to do it.

TOM
A lower class tax increase is a symbol of America's
togetherness and ability to persevere through all adversity?
That makes us the adversity!

JERRY
We put a little spin on the ball and slide in patriotism,
patriotic duty, and rights as a patriot to subvert the
terrorists who would prevent big businesses from having the
means and will to re-invest -- for the good of us all. Hint
that anyone who disagrees should be called out as the anti
American they are.

TOM
Well, I know we can get away with it. Just feels kind of
crappy to do it around the holidays.

JERRY
Christmas, Tom. It'll be official. Remember the brief?

TOM
But come on... the judiciary will have to overturn the
executive order.

JERRY
But by the time they do, Christmas will be over. Get it?

The classroom.

MISS ROSE
No, Henry. There shouldn't be a law to make everyone
celebrate Christmas.

The guys.

DENNIS
Well, we've got to. You can't get around Christmas. It's like
a web that wraps itself around the world for awhile, and then
dissolves with a shitload of drinking.

CLIFF
Yeah. So New Year's in Vegas it is.

Police station.

POLICE CHIEF
Big money folks. All right men (and women), let's go get
those bonuses!... and Merry Christmas!

Classroom.

MISS ROSE
Happy holidays, children.

Guys.

CLIFF
Merry Christmas.

DENNIS
And Happy Vegas Holiday.

Speech writers.

TOM
Thank you. And Merry Christmas.

JERRY
(adding)
... Merry Christmas America.

TOM
Right.

FADE TO BLACK as MUSIC bumps UP then fades
at BLACK.
THE END

"The Imminent Threat of an American Christmas" debuted at the Los Angeles No Shame Theater's Frickin' Cristmas Special On Ice, December 19, 2003, directed by J.J. Hickey, with the following cast:

POLICE CHIEF - Eric Johnson
OFFICER COHEN - Dave Ulrich
TOM - Brooks Peck
JERRY - Jason ?
MISS ROSE - Christopher Clarke
CLIFF - Scott McGee
DENNIS - Brian Anderson

"The Imminent Threat of an American Christmas" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

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