"The Real One"
By, Dave Ulrich & Christopher Clarke
Lights go to half for transition.
An ACTOR and a WRITER enter to set up the
stage.
The ACTOR grabs a chair to position behind the
table which he is anticipating stage left..
The WRITER, pulls the table to center stage.
They speak in hushed tones.
ACTOR
Dude, a little more stage left.
WRITER
No, center.
ACTOR
I... I need it stage left.
WRITER
That's going to screw it up. Just leave it.
ACTOR
How's that gonna screw it up when I need it stage left.
Still whispering.
WRITER
Dude?!
ACTOR
What? Come on!
WRITER
Just do it like this.
ACTOR
Fine.
The WRITER starts to pull a second chair up
directly up center on the table.
ACTOR
You can't put that there. Are you insane?
WRITER
Shut up. Christ.
ACTOR
Why're you changing shit around.
WRITER
It's not like we haven't rehearsed this.
ACTOR
Then why can't we just do it like the way we've been doing
it?
WRITER
We never had it anywhere consistently. Just do it like this.
ACTOR
Well, I'm not doing it like this, I'm doing it like this.
The ACTOR drags the table to stage left.
The WRITER pulls it back to center.
The ACTOR suddenly walks off stage and starts to
exit the theatre through the house.
The WRITER raises his voice.
ACTOR
(to the crew)
Go on to the next piece. I can't do this piece -- of shit.
WRITER
(to the crew)
No wait.
ACTOR exits.
WRITER follows.
WRITER
What is your goddamn problem?
ACTOR
It's already fucked up; you're being a baby.
WRITER
I'm the baby? You're running away... like you always do.
ACTOR
I'm not running away, I'm saving my own ass.
WRITER
You've been itching to pick a fight since the bar.
ACTOR
I didn't say shit to you last night.
WRITER
Not last night... Monday or some shit like that.
ACTOR
I am so sick to death of your over-sensitive bullshit.
WRITER
Bullshit like writing you a sweet role every goddamn week
that makes you look better than you really are?
ACTOR
Charles? Motherfucking Jim? They're like guest star nightmare
throwaway shit roles.
WRITER
Yeah. You're welcome.
ACTOR
I'm way better than the crap you're writing me. And every
time you get inspired... and write a decent role --
(trails off)
I should be fucking Todd!
WRITER
Fuck off!
The WRITER returns.
The ACTOR opens and door and says:
ACTOR
And you should be sucking my cock for doing your hack plays
in the first fucking place.
WRITER
You think it's easy writing around your goddamn ponytail
every week?
ACTOR
You think you're doing me a f... I'm the one that's doing you
a favor.
WRITER
Some favor. You ruined my piece, before it even started.
ACTOR
No, I just saved these sorry sons-a-bitches from having to
sit through your boring, sophomoric, hack play.
WRITER
Just go. I'll do it next week without you.
ACTOR
Oh, you're going to play both roles. That'll be great. Dude,
there's a reason you stopped acting.
WRITER
At least my acting can achieve a level of subtlety.
ACTOR
Here, here's motherfucking subtlety.
The ACTOR wads up the script and throws it at
the WRITER.
WRITER
You're fucking dead.
The WRITER charges at the ACTOR.
The ACTOR jumps back and moves toward the
door but doesn't go out.
The WRITER starts again, the ACTOR rushes
through the door.
The sounds of scuffling outside.
Blackout.
THE END
"The Real One"
IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE
DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED
WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"The Real One" debuted November 29, 2002, with the following cast:
ACTOR - Chris Clarke
WRITER - Dave Ulrich
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