"The Real One" By, Dave Ulrich & Christopher Clarke Lights go to half for transition. An ACTOR and a WRITER enter to set up the stage. The ACTOR grabs a chair to position behind the table which he is anticipating stage left.. The WRITER, pulls the table to center stage. They speak in hushed tones. ACTOR Dude, a little more stage left. WRITER No, center. ACTOR I... I need it stage left. WRITER That's going to screw it up. Just leave it. ACTOR How's that gonna screw it up when I need it stage left. Still whispering. WRITER Dude?! ACTOR What? Come on! WRITER Just do it like this. ACTOR Fine. The WRITER starts to pull a second chair up directly up center on the table. ACTOR You can't put that there. Are you insane? WRITER Shut up. Christ. ACTOR Why're you changing shit around. WRITER It's not like we haven't rehearsed this. ACTOR Then why can't we just do it like the way we've been doing it? WRITER We never had it anywhere consistently. Just do it like this. ACTOR Well, I'm not doing it like this, I'm doing it like this. The ACTOR drags the table to stage left. The WRITER pulls it back to center. The ACTOR suddenly walks off stage and starts to exit the theatre through the house. The WRITER raises his voice. ACTOR (to the crew) Go on to the next piece. I can't do this piece -- of shit. WRITER (to the crew) No wait. ACTOR exits. WRITER follows. WRITER What is your goddamn problem? ACTOR It's already fucked up; you're being a baby. WRITER I'm the baby? You're running away... like you always do. ACTOR I'm not running away, I'm saving my own ass. WRITER You've been itching to pick a fight since the bar. ACTOR I didn't say shit to you last night. WRITER Not last night... Monday or some shit like that. ACTOR I am so sick to death of your over-sensitive bullshit. WRITER Bullshit like writing you a sweet role every goddamn week that makes you look better than you really are? ACTOR Charles? Motherfucking Jim? They're like guest star nightmare throwaway shit roles. WRITER Yeah. You're welcome. ACTOR I'm way better than the crap you're writing me. And every time you get inspired... and write a decent role -- (trails off) I should be fucking Todd! WRITER Fuck off! The WRITER returns. The ACTOR opens and door and says: ACTOR And you should be sucking my cock for doing your hack plays in the first fucking place. WRITER You think it's easy writing around your goddamn ponytail every week? ACTOR You think you're doing me a f... I'm the one that's doing you a favor. WRITER Some favor. You ruined my piece, before it even started. ACTOR No, I just saved these sorry sons-a-bitches from having to sit through your boring, sophomoric, hack play. WRITER Just go. I'll do it next week without you. ACTOR Oh, you're going to play both roles. That'll be great. Dude, there's a reason you stopped acting. WRITER At least my acting can achieve a level of subtlety. ACTOR Here, here's motherfucking subtlety. The ACTOR wads up the script and throws it at the WRITER. WRITER You're fucking dead. The WRITER charges at the ACTOR. The ACTOR jumps back and moves toward the door but doesn't go out. The WRITER starts again, the ACTOR rushes through the door. The sounds of scuffling outside. Blackout. THE END"The Real One" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"The Real One" debuted November 29, 2002, with the following cast:
ACTOR - Chris Clarke
WRITER - Dave Ulrich