Johnny "Says the Wrong Things at all the Wrong Times" Golden

by Neil Van Gorder

 

(Scene 1 Johnny is making out with Rebecca. They are in an embrace.)

Johnny: I love kissing you, Becca. I love opening my eyes while we are kissing and seeing your serene face right there in front of me like a big gigantic gorilla's.

Rebecca: (Pushing him away) Jesus Christ, Johnny! What the hell's wrong with you?

Johnny: What? Is it something I said?

Rebecca: (Dumbfounded) Geez, you just said I look like a big gorilla when I kiss you!

Johnny: Ohh, I meant a beautiful gorilla.

Rebecca: Oh my god, I got to go Johnny that's just fucked up. You DON'T tell a girl she looks like a gorilla.

Johnny: Well you know I have a disorder! I can't express myself correctly. And that's really damn hard. I just wanted to say something sexy. I always see other guys sweet talking their ladies. I just wanted to give the night some kind of atmosphere.

Rebecca: Well you certainly did!

Johnny: Rebecca, I really like you. I'm sorry. It's just my feelings well up inside when I think about you kind of like a toilet that's overflowing after someone's took a really big dump.

Rebecca: There you again, Johnny Golden!

Johnny: Well what I say is good intentioned! It sounds great in my mind before I say it. They're like little gems of genius and inspiration. I just can't screen what I'm going to say; that's my disorder.

Rebecca: You must be able to say something right Johnny. I really like you when you don't talk.

Johnny: Well talk about saying things that are screwed up! I like you for you. Why can't you like me for me? My best friend Mike has an anxiety disorder. He gets extremely fearful in social situations and he can't control that. Yet Alisha his girlfriend loves him. She knows that it's not his fault that he's the way he is. There's just something wrong with his brain.

Rebecca: Ok. I do like you otherwise I wouldn't be here. Let me teach you how to talk to a girl.

You want to say something that's pretty, something that gets her excited about being with you. I'll give you an example...Here..You could say something like this to a girl "You're like a towel - soft and cuddly. I'd like to get naked and wrap myself up in you. When I'm with you it's like being with a bottle of Snuggle." Just say something like that. I love to hear stuff like that. It makes me so hot. So now it's your turn.

Johnny: Ok. I can do that. You said girls like to hear pretty things right? Ok Johnny-boy think pretty thoughts! (Thinks.) Okay I got it! You're so fine you blow my mind! Like it?

Rebecca: That's not bad, Johnny other than the fact that what you said was taken straight from a cheap 80's pop song.

Johnny: I was going to say that you'd be pretty if you weren't you but I didn't-

Rebecca: Oh my God! (Slaps Johnny) That's it! Don't ever call me again!

(Rebecca storms off stage)

Johnny: (Sits on the stage depressed like banging his head against his hands.) Damn! Damn! Damn! I'm just not so handy with the ladies. I never know what to say. I hate me! (Thinks for a little bit and jumps up.) Damn, I'm late for work! (Grabs clothing and heads for the door.) I'm gonna find me some ladies yet!

(Lights go down.)

(Restaurant manager on stage as well as a table of people.)

(Lights up and enter Johnny.)

Johnny: Sorry I'm late for work. I noticed the restaurant's packed. I bet you sure could've used my help serving.

Manager: Damn it Johnny Golden! I'm gonna sock it to ya and that damn mouth of yours someday.

You got section B tonight. I've been covering for your ass so far so get out there boy. And I want to see you in the office after work!

Johnny: Damnit! (Walks over to table and the people listen to him and get more and more uncomfortable as Johnny continues talking.) Hi. I'm your server for tonight and the name's Johnny Golden. Is there any thing wrong with your food because the guys in the back aren't wearing hair nets? I've had a hard day so far so if I'm like late getting your stuff, just take it with a grain of salt or some such grain. I was making out with this girl Rebecca that I met on the Ferris wheel last night at the fair. She was like one of those Carnies I think because her breath tasted bad like elephant ears. You look like a good-looking couple. You wouldn't happen to have produced any children specifically girl ones because I'm looking for some ladies.

Manager: (Manager had over heard Johnny and grabs him by the arm.) Jesus boy what's wrong with you! Do I need to put a damn muzzle on you? You don't talk to people when you take their orders. (To customers) Sorry folks, I don't know what I ever did hiring this imbecile. He's got no control over himself. (To Johnny) Now boy get the hell out of this restaurant with your run amuck mouth and don't bother to show up again, kay.

Johnny: (Heartbroken) I am so sad. I just want to have a good job, a girl to touch me with good tasting breath and a Hershey Bar. Then I would be happy.

(Lights dim down)

End.