James D. Wolf, Jr.: No Shame Theatre: "Dante Covers Led Zeppelin"

Before I finished this, I became convinced that the original ending did not get my point across and changed it. According to the performers, I went a bit overboard. That is one of the problems when you work on something - it eventually loses its impact on you.

I included both endings here for purists of either types: the piece or the performance.

The Road to Hell is Paved with Bad Chord Changes
or
Dante Covers Led Zeppelin

By James D. Wolf, Jr.
Performed: April 18, 1997

CAST:
a lord of Hell (demon): (arrogant) James D. Wolf, Jr.
his servant: (sycophant) Carolyn Space Jacobsen
a guard or two: (extras) Medoka and Veronica Villa
a band

lead: (excitable) Ben Zolno

bass: (cool, slick) name missing

drummer: (dense) John Smick

groupie: (bouncy) Cadry Nelson

Lights: wait on Wolf's cue to fade before start (don't cut the lights before we're in position)

Demon: [in character, to characters] Is everyone in position? [gestures to booth] Let there be dark. [cut lights, then bring up]

[Open on lord of Hell brooding in chair. Servant stands quietly behind]

Servant: The new arrivals, m'lord.

[rest of characters enter with guards behind]

Lead: [announces w/ open arms] We're Talisman!

Demon: [after long pause] How nice for you.

Groupie: This is so cool! I've never been to Hell before!

Demon: [to servant] I presume you have files on them? [servant gives files] Let's see: petty larceny, fornication -- multiple counts, adultery, orgies -- multiple counts, excessive drug use, introducing minors to excessive drug use -- multiple counts, corruption of innocents, pride, avarice. . . Well, looks like we've covered all seven deadly sins --- with emphasis on lust -- and all ten commandments except murder. Rock and rollers, are we?

Bass: We're not just "rock and rollers."

Demon: Yes, you're heavy metal people, apparently. Nice hair boys.

Lead: [disbelief] We're Talisman! You've heard of us!

Demon: Can't say that I have. But then I've always prefered Beethoven myself. The "lady" is with you, I presume?

Groupie: I've never travelled with a band before!

Demon: [checking file] And apparently that's how we got you all at once. Plane crash. Very traditional for your business. Ranks right up there with choking on one's own vomit, although it does show a little more taste. Causing a little mischief on the road, were we guys?

Drummer: No. We were trying to join the mile high club.

Bass: Some of us succeeded, man.

Groupie: I've never done it in a plane before!

Demon: So few people your age accomplish their goals these days. And the other women?

Lead: It was just her.

Demon: With the entire band. . .

Groupie: [very worldly] Oh, I've done that before!

Demon: Your parents must be very proud of you.

Groupie: Yeah. Mom used to follow Black Sabbath.

Demon: How wonderful. Just out of curiosity, where was the pilot through all this?

[band & groupie stare down towards drummer]

Drummer: [sheepishly] I, uh, put it on auto-pilot and went back for my turn. We kinda hit a mountain.

Demon: In the Rockies? Go figure. Don't tell me. You must be the drummer.

Drummer: Whaddya mean by that?

Lead: So, like, when do we get our reward?

Demon: Seems to me we were just about to decide that. [looks at files] Pit #3,436, level 27, eternal flames and flayings for debauchers. Gnashing of teeth included.

Lead: You can't do that to us!

Demon: Oh, I can quite assure we can -- and will.

Bass: We're Talisman.

Demon: Yes, you've mentioned that already. I wasn't impressed the first two times, either.

Lead: We are the premiere heavy metal band of our generation!

Demon: "Were" the premiere heavy metal band.

Drummer: We put backwards messages on our albums telling people to worship you!

Demon: Now that must have really thrown off the rhythm.

Bass: We dedicated our act and our lives to you.

Demon: You and how many other talentless fools?

Lead: No! We went platinum!

Demon: [mock startle] Oh my. That does change everything. [to servant] Have them dipped in molten platinum first and kept near flames to keep it glowing.

Bass: You fuckin' punk! I've broken bigger guys than you before.

[demon stops, raises one eyebrow, grins maliciously, then turns towards bass and proceeds to stare him down. Bass has seizure and falls to ground shaking violently]

Drummer: Cool!

Demon: [turns to drummer] You have potential. We may have some use for you in another three million years. [to guards] Take them away. Since they're so close, try and keep them together in the pit. Should make for some interesting situations when they start laying blame.

[guards drag away]

Groupie: Hey, where we going?

Lead: You can't do this to us! We got a grammy! We had a record contract!

Drummer: Ow, that hurts!

Demon: [to servant] We used to get a much better breed of debauchers with the Borgias. That truly upsets me.

Servant: Well, m'lord, may I remind you that tonight you sleep in the Lincoln bedroom?

[original ending]

Demon: Yes, I'm snubbing Gingerich for that. Should prove interesting.

By the way, the girl did not belong with the others. Her sins were different. Take her, tie her to a table with leather straps that cut into her skin, whip her, then have her brought -- still bound -- to me.

Lights: black out during last line

Groupie: [from wings] Cool! I've never made it with a demon before!

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[performed ending]

Demon: Yes, I'm snubbing Gingerich for that. Should prove interesting.

By the way, the girl did not belong with the others. Her sins were different. Take her, tie her spread-eagle to a table with leather straps that cut into her skin, whip her with stinging nettles -- especially around the inner thighs, pour salt and alcohol over the wounds, then have her brought -- still bound -- to me.

Lights: black out during last line

Groupie: [from wings] Cool! I've never made it with a demon before!

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