Howard: (to audience) How are you? (before they respond) That’s great. However, I regret to inform you that there will be no play tonight. Yes, it’s true... my friend, roommate, and fellow playwright Jesse Wozniak has passed away.

Jesse: (in audience) What the hell are you talking about?

Howard: He has been dead for about a week now, and I’m just now beginning to cope with this extraordinary loss.

Jesse: (confused) I’m not dead! I just introduced the whole show! Are you fucking blind?!?

Howard: It’s as if I can still hear his voice in the air.

Jesse: That’s because I’m right here, God damnit!

Howard: I remember when I called his parents to console them... they seemed so confused. Must be in denial.

Jesse: No, they’re just not RETARDED like you seem to be! I’m right fucking here!

Howard: Yup. Dead at 18. What a tragedy.

Jesse: Dude. Seriously. Can you not hear what I’m saying? READ MY LIPS! I’M NOT FUCKING DEAD YOU JACKASS!!!!!!

Howard: Let’s all have a moment of silence for your friend and mine, American, patriot, American patriot, Jesse Scott Wozniak. (puts head down and closes eyes)

Jesse: (walks onstage and slaps Howard upside the head.)

Howard: OH MY GOD!!! It’s a miracle! You’re alive!

Jesse: (dry and sarcastic) Yeah. Now let’s just get on with the damn show.

(Jesse and Howard are in a car)

Howard: Are you sure this car is going to get us to...

Jesse: Hell yeah. This is my ghetto cruiser. 1986 Dodge Caravan stick shift. 4 cylinders of raw, unadulterated testosterone. If Jesus had a car, I’ll bet it would look like this.

Howard: Alright. Hey, have you ever looked at Tony the Tiger? He’s the man. He’s the cooolest.

Jesse: Yeah, I guess he’s kinda cool.

Howard: Kinda cool? Kinda cool? He’s the SHIT! I would have SEX with Tony the Tiger. It’d be GRRRREAT.

Jesse: Dude. Do you realize you’re talking about having sex with a man? Not only that, but a man in tiger form.

Howard: Correction. Cartoon tiger form.

Jesse: Yeah. What the fuck’s your problem?

Howard: You wouldn’t have sex with Tony the Tiger? Faggot. Hey, why are we driving to Ames again?

Jesse: We’re driving to Wal-Mart in Ames to meet a gay guy and ask him if he wants to meet 80’s porn star Ron Jeremy with us this weekend.

Howard: Oh. Do you have an empty bottle?

Jesse: Yeah... why?

Howard: I have to pee.

Jesse: What?

Howard: I have to pee!

Jesse: You’re not peeing in a bottle in my fucking van!

Howard: But I really have to go!!!

Jesse: Not in my freaking, why freaking, FUCKING van! Here, we’ll pull over. Ass.

Howard: (peeing, Jesse comes up and begins peeing next to Howard) Dude. DUDE! Gay space! (pushes Jesse)

Jesse: You tell me “gay space” when you’re the one fantasizing about a cartoon tiger?

Howard: Touche. (they both get back into the car)

Jesse: Oy, that was a good pee. What did you say your major was again Howard?

Howard: Political Science.

Jesse: Political Science huh? Never liked biology. Hey, here’s that Foo Fighters song, you know, that flying one, with the looking, and stuff.

Jesse and Howard: (singing) Looking for the duh, duh dah duh, Looking for the duh, dah, dah. Looking for the something dah, dah, dah, duh, dah. (repeat). Make my way back home and learn to fly.

Howard: Oh, hey, did I tell you? I’ve started a new hobby! Boxing!

Jesse: Boxing? Really? No offense, but you’re a fat, weak, white kid.

Howard: Oh, none taken. Truth be told I’m actually not a bad boxer. Just last week I knocked out Muhammad Ali.

Jesse: You mean the elderly decrepit former boxer who’s suffering from Parkinson’s disease and can barely move?

Howard: The very same.

Jesse: Nice work my friend.

Howard: Thanks. How’s everything running?

Jesse: The old girl’s never sounded better. I think we’re gonna keep on truckin’.

Howard: I’ve never really understood that phrase “keep on truckin.” What the hell is truckin? Furthermore, how does one know if he or she is truckin? Are we truckin?

Jesse: Of course we’re truckin.

Howard What if I’m sitting at home jerking it? Am I truckin then?

Jesse: I think you just know.

Howard: All I know is that the Grateful Dead did a song about it where Jerry Garcia sang “trucking, like the doo dah man.”

Jesse: Jerry Garcia. Now there’s a man who’s truckin.

Howard: Jerry Garcia’s dead. I think being deceased nullifies your ability to truck. What’s that noise???

Jesse: Oh shit. Oh shit!!! FUCK! The van broke down. (they get out.) Let’s pop the hood.

Howard: I don’t think we’re truckin anymore, R. Crumb.

Jesse: What are we gonna do now? Now we’re never going to get to meet Ron Jeremy. You know, I’ll bet he has a really weak handshake. I mean think about it! He’s a porn star. Probably the only man in the entire world who’s never had to jerk it.

Howard: I told you we weren‘t going to get there! I mean dude. Did you actually expect this van to get us to Ames? It’s older than your mom.

Jesse: My mom’s five years younger than me?

Howard: Shut up. (starts humming the song “Breakdown” by Foo Fighters.) Oh, well. I told you we should’ve taken my 9-duece bish.

Jesse: You mean your 1992 Mitsubishi?

Howard: (dejected) Yes. Holy shit Howard. Look over there!

Jesse: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.

Howard: Yup. You’re right Howard. It’s Jesus! He’s motioning for us! He wants us to get in the car with him!

Jesse: I told you he drove a minivan. Let’s go!

Howard: I can’t believe Jesus gave us a ride, only so he could anally rape us!

Jesse: I keep telling you, he’s not Jesus!

Howard: How do you know?

Jesse: Well, first off, he was white...

"Jesus, a Minivan, and a Cartoon Tiger" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

"Jesus, a Minivan, and a Cartoon Tiger" debuted December 1, 2000, performed by Jesse Wozniak & Howard Zimmerle.

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