Howard: I need to interject something here... my cohort, the ever-sexy Jesse Wozniak, can not be with us tonight. He has prior commitments. Bastard. No fear, however, for he has been replaced with the next best thing... a photocopy of his face taped to a stick. Hopefully none of you will even be able to tell the difference. Now let “us” enthrall you with the gripping drama we like to call “We’re stuck in a prison camp and it sucks because we’re in nazi Germany during WWII and it sucks and that’s why no one should ever be castigated because of his or her particular differences, be it in race, religion, sexuality, retardedness or what because that is just not cool and I guess that is the whole point of the thing.”... I wrote the title myself! Enjoy!

Howard: I absolutely cannot stand one more day here in this wretched camp... I must get out. You feel the same way, don’t you Jesse?

Jesse: (silent, as he is just a photocopy taped to a stick).

Howard: Eloquently spoken my friend. Oh look! Here come our daily rations!!! Here comrade, have some water! (pours water on Jesse’s head on a stick.) Look at you. Once such a strapping young lad; now you look so gray and two-dimensional.

Jesse: (silent, as he is just a photocopy taped to a stick).

Howard: Well, I guess that does explain it. You know, every day I think about the torture, the starvation, the smell of human flesh...the screams... the screams. It takes a toll on a man sometimes. I look inward and try to find something, anything that may give me strength.

Jesse: (silent, as he is just a photocopy taped to a stick).

Howard: (laughs) I’m still amazed at how you are able to retain that fine sense of humor throughout this ordeal. Sometimes, as I lay in bed at night and slumber won’t come to my weary eyes, I question my choices in life. What if we weren’t black Jewish handicapped people? What if we hadn’t voted for that sick bastard Hitler? What if I had ran? What if I had helped protect Jimmy or Mama before the cruel hand of fate reached down and swept them from this world? Evil fate, with it’s cocky stride and musky odors. Fate, who leads us down this path of mystery, where one turn may bring dreams and rewards, and the other may be a dead end. You’re cold? Put on my shirt. (covers photocopy stick Jesse with his shirt.)

Jesse: (silent, as he is just a photocopy taped to a stick).

Howard: Being locked up in this death camp has made me realize that it is not right to castigate someone just because they are different. It’s a sick world out there. Sometimes I wish something would just sweep down and take us away from this hell. A savior from our misery. Today I realized that fate lies in our own hands. If it is to be, it’s up to me. From whom more is given, more is expected. Jesse, you and I have been given the strength to survive this, this which kills normal men every day. We, therefore, have the tools for our own salvation! We must escape, and we must do it now while there is still an ounce of strength in our bodies. Are you with me????

Jesse: (silent, as he is just a photocopy taped to a stick).

Howard: Then let’s go my friend! (does some running, panting, dodging, etc for a while.) Oh! I’ve been shot! (collapses) It’s my leg! Go, go, save yourself! Don’t concern yourself with me, a better life awaits you!

Jesse: (silent, as he is just a photocopy taped to a stick).

Howard: What? You are willing to drag me across enemy lines even though it will endanger you as well? You Jesse Wozniakowski, are my true friend. I love you my brother. (scoots himself around on the floor, leg up in the air)

Jesse: (silent, as he is just a photocopy taped to a stick).

Howard: Look ahead in the beautiful distance! Freedom! Sweet, sweet freedom!!!!!

"Jesse Wozniak Sucks" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

"Jesse Wozniak Sucks" debuted November 3, 2000, performed by Howard Zimmerle.

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