copyright © 2001 Howard Zimmerle

Bigotry Examined

Jesse: Hey, Howard! Did I ever tell you about the guy I sit next to in choir?

Howard: Oh yeah. Why?

Jesse: Well I just found out today that he’s left handed.

Howard: That sucks.

Jesse: No kidding! You know how those people are... always trying to turn other people left handed. Plus they feel that they have to flaunt it all of the time. There he is, writing backwards, opening things with that hand. Does he have to be so blatant about it?

Howard: Tell me about it. I have a guy with green eyes in one of my classes. What a dumbass. You know all those green eyed people are good at is sports and rap.

Jesse: Yeah. It’s like ALL of the athletes have green eyes now. Brown eyed people can’t jump. All brown eyed people can do is play hockey.

Howard: You know why those green eyed people are better at sports? They have an extra tendon in their ankle that lets them run faster and jump higher. And what’s with their names? Gary, Ed, John, Mary, Sarah! It’s like they just picked random syllables out of the dictionary! They’re all fucking retarded I tell you. Hey, what do you call one brown eyed guy and eight green eyed guys? The pitcher!

Jesse: No, no. What do you call one brown eyed guy with fifty green eyed guys? The warden! (exchange “high fives”) Yeah, and those damned lefties took all of our words for them. Southpaw! That used to be our word to make fun of them! Now they use it!

Howard: It’s only fair that they refer to themselves however they want. Except those crazy greenies, always wanting to be called “Green-Eyed Americans”. All of that PC Bullshit.

Jesse: Well those greenies are simpler people, Howard. Just give them a bucket of fried chicken and they’re happy.

Howard: Yeah, and maybe some watermelon. Those green eyed people and their watermelon.

Jesse: I wish I was left handed so I could pick up chicks. Have you ever noticed that all left handed guys are surrounded by girls all of the time? What a waste. I think it’s because they are better at all of that girly stuff.

Howard: Guys with green eyes always pick up chicks too though! Never really other green eyed chicks though, always brown eyed ones. Just because the greenies have bigger dicks. But come on, they’re animals! And look at the way they dress!

Jesse: It’s different with those lefties though. It’s not like you’re BORN left handed. It’s a conscious choice! They choose to do everything backwards... it’s like they’re putting from the rough, going in through the out door... and don’t even get me started on those people that are ambidextrous. Although I must admit, it might be nice to date an ambidextrous girl for a while though.

Howard: How can you condemn lefties but want to date a woman who goes both ways? Isn’t that a little hypocritical?

Jesse: What’s up your butt? You know the saying: silly rabbit, pencils are for right hands.

Howard: Come on, leave left handed people alone. They can’t help it! All scientific evidence shows that they were born that way. They’ve proved that left handed people have higher prenatal levels of certain chemicals that make you that way.

Jesse: What?? What the hell’s wrong with you? Haven’t you ever read the Bible? God hates left handed people. He would never make someone left handed. That’s a sin! Man, it’s like you’re defending them or something!

Howard: Well maybe I am! Left handed people are people too, and should have the same rights and privileges as the rest of us! The Supreme Court says they can’t even be boy scouts! What the hell is that?

Jesse: Dude, I’m starting to think YOU’RE left handed!

Howard: Jesse... (pause) I am.

Possible Fin.

"Bigotry Examined" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

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